Here’s a statistic: 75 percent of children drop out of organized sports by the time they hit the ripe old age of 13.
Why? One unfortunate reason is because of parents. Of course kids can get burned out, or they realize that their skill level doesn’t match that of their peers, especially if it’s someone they’re comparing themselves to and wonder why a certain teammate gets more playing time.
The comparison to a teammate is one I’d like to focus on.
In my 40 years as a coach, I have seen it all in sports. Well, almost all. But over the past two decades parent involvement, in some circumstances, might be considered an epidemic!
The biggest factor that stands out is the effect and affect that some parents have on their children, especially with the notion that their kids are entitled to get more playing time. The entitlement trend is an offspring of the somewhat recent birth of programs that have given more opportunities for young athletes to become involved with team play, like AAU and travel teams.
These programs are “pay for play” scenarios. Truthfully this is a coach’s nightmare because in most cases this dictates that the participants have the right to equal play. All of that is fine and dandy, but this “pay for play” idea is not a philosophical factor in scholastic programs, at least not right now, especially at the varsity level. Here is an issue that may be more common than we think.
I heard from someone, a parent whose daughter is involved in a sport. I will keep this topic as general as possible by not mentioning the sport as a way to protect my source, and the young athlete. This parent told me of a reoccurring discussion with another parent that has created a very uncomfortable situation for her and the daughter.
To me, this topic is old news. It’s a story of a lack of understanding, or ignorance on the part of the parent who is comparing his, or her child to the athlete who plays more. This can demonstrate some unintentional disrespect from that parent, who seems to be suffering with tunnel vision, because his child is not getting what he feels is entitled.
There is a lack of knowledge, an ignorance, if you will, of what the young lady getting more playing time has done while working at her proficiency of the game. The complainer parent has blinders on, when it comes to her child’s skill level, by using an unfounded comparison to her teammate. There is a reality that comes with sports. The cream always comes to the top, and a divide develops, which is the division of the skilled athletes who have progressed into much better players and the least skilled athletes who, unfortunately, fall by the wayside!
I was kid who worked to an excess at the game of basketball, and I did it without comparing myself to others. It was about wanting to be the best that I could be. So I did not accept mediocrity in myself. It wasn’t easy, and I had set personal goals for my basketball abilities, without the influence of my mom or dad.
My parents were supportive, but too busy to get involved with my passion for playing sports, especially basketball. My dad worked seven days a week in our family’s restaurant, and my mom just wasn’t interested in sports. During those times, she was focused on being the “house wife” and she barely understood athletics! That was OK with me because it was a time where that was truer than fiction. Playing basketball was my thing; it kept me walking a straight path by staying out of trouble! I didn’t need my parents to follow me around, living off of my laurels, or comparing me to others. They would never do that sort of thing.
Comparing myself to my peers wasn’t even a consideration in my life, I had to accept me for who I was, and I still live by that rule! I feel that one of life’s parameters is that humility will always outweigh boastfulness.
Back to the game!
A problem between these two families has developed because of the parent who questioned and compared the playing time of his child to the other. There is an injustice here that has become twofold. One, it’s not fair to the athlete who has the passion to put hours of work for success and excel in a sport. The other is that it’s unfair to the daughter, of the complaining parent, who has obviously been told she is entitled to play more.
Whether suggestion was sublime or through critical discussion, a feeling of inadequacy can become an issue for that child. The parent who is comparing and complaining has caused a dilemma for all involved. Innocently, and obviously, the family of the skilled player has become affected by this scenario. It has made them uncomfortably concerned, to the point where they will try their best to avoid any contact with the other family, mainly the parent.
Here are five signs of a nightmare sports parent:
1) Having different goals than your child (more than not)
2) Overemphasizing sports at the expense of sportsmanship
3) Undermining the coach and, or a teammate
4) Treating your child differently, if they played a lot compared to not playing much
5) Living your own athletic dream through your child (a very common scenario)
I found this in an article by Steve Henson, Senior Editor at Yahoo! Sports. I think my story goes a little deeper than the five signs, but I do see No. 3 as the telltale topic to this story.
Some advice to parents, from me, cheer for all of the kids on the team, and if your child hasn’t played as much as you feel they might be “entitled” to, support them without pointing fingers of blame. Maybe request a one-on-one discussion with the coach, but not after a game. Request it for a more convenient time for the coach. Promote the positive effect to your child about being part of a team.
There are friendships that will develop and grow because of the experience of being a member of a sports team. Allow the young athletes to find their own solutions because they’ll be better for it, all with little parental guidance, or interference.
Be a good listener in support, and inspire your love through encouragement, a scenario that will help them grow into adulthood. If your child wants to pursue a higher skill level in a particular sport, get them to a good sports camp and encourage them to play more, while having “fun.”
Remember this, without the necessary work that’s required to achieve athletic proficiency, there will be little success. Skill levels in all sports don’t come easy, even with the hard work that it takes to achieve those personal goals, but there are no guarantees of entitlement!
The real payoff is trying to achieve, and your child can feel that he or she gave it their best try. More importantly, the effort to succeed will be a payoff of dividends, for your child’s future!
