My daughter beat us in Rummikub again. As she ran to increase her tally on our scoreboard, my husband and I exchanged proud, defeated smiles. We all laughed. This new daily reprieve might just be keeping us sane.

Psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl’s 1946 book Man’s Search for Meaning said we must find a sense of purpose to navigate hardship. Dr. John Gottman later applied Frankl’s work to relationships, explaining that shared meaning often sustains couples, even when relationships face challenges.

Working both as a therapist and in public service, I have been thinking about how shared meaning and how Frankl’s work may offer guidance in such challenging times.

Dr. Gottman says shared meaning includes four basic elements – rituals of connection, symbols, roles, and goals. The idea is that because each of us is unique, we create small microcultures existing nowhere else when we form relationships. That culture, made up of shared meaning, is what we would lose if the relationship ends. Like an inside joke, it’s just not as funny if the other person who gets it isn’t around.

We also have shared meaning in communities. We walk our kids to school, follow sports teams (rituals of connection) and wear school colors or fly flags (symbols). We work, volunteer, or raise families in ways that contribute to our communities (roles), and plan for our financial futures, hoping for good lives for our children (goals).

For many of us, that normal sense of meaning has been shattered. It is up to us to find a new normal, with a sense of shared meaning that rises to the occasion. As Frankl said, “when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

FDR gave his first fireside chats during the Great Depression, increasing them in frequency after the country went to war. During national uncertainty, that new ritual provided comfort and brought Americans together around their radios. While the term “potluck” existed long before the depression, the tradition of sharing a communal meal with everyone pitching in helped people stay connected and stretched what little they had during times of scarcity.

Rituals of connection during this time of quarantine include people going outside to clap at the same time to honor first responders, and virtual social hours, religious services, and classroom meetings are keeping us connected. In my family, we have started a fierce daily rummikub competition that is part of our new evening routine.

The rainbows coloring our neighborhood’s windows symbolize shared meaning. The candles on our porches symbolize gratitude. During World War II, the “V” for victory hand gesture, made famous by Churchill, was created as a symbol for resistance fighters. Rosie the Riveter appeared on posters as a rallying cry for women to help the war effort.

Rosie the Riveter also represented changing roles during wartime. With soldiers away, many women trained for new jobs. During the depression, many who lost jobs found new roles through WPA projects. According to the New York Times, during the 1918 flu epidemic, even Boy Scouts became enforcers of health protocols, issuing warnings to people who spit in public and violated sanitary codes.

Today, how many of us are learning the new roles of homeschool teacher or remote worker? Healthcare providers serve where the need is greatest. Businesses have become mask, sanitizer, and medical device manufacturers. Essential workers have become our heroes.

The last element of Gottman’s shared meaning is goals. During the energy crisis, President Carter wore a sweater, asking people to conserve. During the depression, banks began to recover when people answered FDR’s call to redeposit their savings. We are truly dependent on each other now, making shared goals more important than ever.

We must develop the shared goals of staying home and practicing social distancing to protect ourselves, loved ones, essential workers and our community. We must embrace supporting our local businesses now when they need it most. We must resist the urge to hoard. We must win at least one rummikub game!

If we absorb these lessons from history, we can see that Frankl was right. Our rituals may have to change, but we can still connect. We may be called to stretch into new roles, but we can adapt. We will find symbols of hope and aspire to be part of the solution.  Frankl said “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” If we choose to respond by embracing a shared sense of purpose and meaning, we will get through this together.

Diana Palmer is a therapist in private practice and past president of the New York Association for Marriage and Family Therapy Albany- Hudson Valley Chapter. She is the 3rd Ward Councilwoman for the City of Glens Falls and a Doctoral Candidate in Law And Policy at Northeastern University.