“Well-behaved women rarely make history.”
—Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
As we talked and I then talked to some others, I realized this is not an isolated event. While I’m sure some men may struggle with this, as well, it does seem to be more prevalent in women. I think of the recent comments by Sheryl Sandberg who, despite her amazing success and influence, admitted that when offered her current job as COO of Facebook, she did not initially negotiate the terms. It was only at the urging of her husband that she finally did so.
As I talked to some other women, one trend became clear. We struggle with knowing how to get our needs met by being assertive yet not being seen as overly aggressive or be labeled a witch with a “B.” So often, we just don’t ask and assume others will give us what we need or deserve. Is this not what Sheryl Sandberg was ready to do when she was not negotiating, simply assuming that what she was offered was what she deserved?
The big question is: how do we walk up to the line of assertiveness without going over?
First, let’s look at the difference between assertiveness and aggression.
Aggressiveness is characterized by an inclination to behave in an actively hostile fashion. It often assumes that one is right and the other is at fault and has an underlying desire to control another. To be assertive is “to state an opinion, claim a right, or establish authority” or “behave in a way that expresses your confidence, importance, or power, and earns you respect from others.”
The best summary I can share is that assertiveness means standing up for one’s self without walking over other people. I think this works for women, as it can be inclusive of a natural tendency to be caring and the important issue of getting our needs met.
Now that these two concepts are defined, what do we actually do?
As I worked with my friend yesterday, it became clear that she was not really clear on what she needed to make her decision. So, first:
- Do your homework. Get your own clarity. Be sure you know what you are asking for and why.
- Assume the other is willing to hear you. Most people are not intentionally trying to confuse or frustrate you. Give them the benefit of the doubt until they don’t deserve it.
Then:
- Practice. Write out the questions you need answered. Be concrete and be sure you are clear. Make a list of what you need to make a decision or get a larger need met. If you are really struggling, ask a friend to hear you out and let you role play with them.
- Be factual: State your questions or needs as facts. You have a right to ask for your needs and to take charge of those needs. You are not begging or pleading. For example:
- “I’m very interested in this proposal. To make a decision, I need to know what you are going to need from me and when you will need it.” or;
- “In order to make this decision, I need these answers by the end of business on Friday.”
- Repeat. Often, especially if you have had a less than assertive pattern with someone, you may need to calmly repeat your questions or state your need. The other may struggle to be clear in their responses. The important thing is to remain assertive without becoming frustrated or demanding.
