The dating scene, while fun at times, can also be an overwhelming, exhausting and sometimes even a hopeless experience. Oftentimes singletons date for the sake of dating, and while this can be a great way to practice your flirting skills, it can often be a complete waste of time. Dating with a purpose can help the singleton date from a place of confidence, not desperation. Knowing a few major things about yourself can make your summer of love fun and purposeful.
Know Thyself
The year was 1996. He was a senior in college, I was a junior. He had long flowing sandy blonde hair, recycled before it was mandatory, listened to National Public Radio faithfully and could recite every Grateful Dead song known to man. I was in serious crush mode, almost bordering on true love.
I quickly traded my Chanel perfume for Patchouli oil, strappy pink heels for Birkenstocks and pop radio for NPR. Instead of asking “What Would Jesus Do” I begin to think about what Jerry Garcia would do. Soon I had Mr. Hippie’s attention and my mission was accomplished. Mr. and Mrs. Hippie = TLF (true love forever).
Here’s the thing—I actually wasn’t a big fan of Jerry. The space jams made me feel dizzy and frankly confused. And while scented oil is nice, I really, really missed my Chanel. I had committed the cardinal singleton sin of false advertising. Now, let me be clear. I am not knocking Grateful Dead fans or recycling. What I am knocking is pretending to be someone you are not (aka false advertising). When Mr. Hippie and I parted ways I realized this. I will forever have to be reminded to separate my cans and bottles, I love cheesy pop music, and no matter how much the natural look is in, I will always carry Wet n Wild pink ultimate frost in the bottom of my purse. ($1.99 at any local drug store, what a bargain!)
It’s easy to morph yourself into something you are not simply to attract your future crush. However, the person you end up sacrificing is you. Ponder this, you are the only you in the universe. No one else has your quirks, personality, smile, gifts and talents. These are the wonderful unique things that make you most attractive. Know what makes you, you. Celebrate your uniqueness and don’t be afraid to let your crush know what makes you special.
Tell the Truth
If your date suggests an evening at the ballet and you have a tendency to laugh uncontrollably at men in tights, simply be honest. “You know, men in tights have never really been my thing, but I would love to do something new and spend time with you”.
After dating Mr. Hippie I quickly realized the importance of being true to who you are and what your interests are. I still remember being in graduate school and invited to go hiking with a handsome business student who had classes in the building next door. I panicked at the thought of having to buy fashionable hiking wear and kept coming out of the dressing room looking like Meryl Streep in “Out of Africa.” Instead of torturing myself to wear neutral colors I fessed up and let my date know I would be happy to hike if we could take the gondola to the top and eat at a fine dining restaurant with candles and a jazz band serenading us.
My honesty paid off. We spent the evening at a fancy dinner in the heart of Manhattan and caught a Broadway show. Thankfully I knew exactly what to wear and did not need bug repellant for the date.
Do not make the mistake of pretending to love something you don’t. A confident, honest person is far more attractive than a person who has no ideas and opinions of their own.
Trust Your Gut
God gave us instincts for a reason. That little twinge in your gut is not indigestion from a bad burrito, but rather a warning that you need to pay attention.
Often potential hotties that seem too good to be true are. If your date is perfectly charming, says all the right things and starts telling you how much they can’t wait to fall in love and find the soulmate of their dreams, you may want to bring a barf bag and pair of running sneakers with you to dinner. While it is wonderful to feel the spark and sizzle with someone on a date, be weary of the quick and speedy sell. If you feel slightly exhilarated, anxious and bamboozled, trust this as more of an ego trip than true love. The quick and speedy sell is almost always a sure sign of a half truth, (aka, separated, almost divorced, or “about” to break up). The fast and furious reeks of someone who is definitely not available but for certain unhappy in their present relationship. Putting themselves on the market is a sure way to fulfill the emptiness in their current situation and feed their ego with the attention and experience of something fresh, new and uncomplicated (see false advertising). Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars; make a beeline for the exit and run, Forrest, run!
Live in the Now
Dating can be a source of misery and pain for the singleton. Take a deep breath, relax and have some fun while you’re out there. Rid yourself of the time clock that shouts at you to hurry up and find love. This pressure will only stress you out more and cause you to look and feel desperate. Being focused on the future robs you from being fully present in the now and enjoying your life. Stop worrying about the future and vow to enjoy the present.
There is some truth to the cliché that love happens when you least expect it. When you surrender to your current situation (single, divorced, widowed or just terrified of dating) and begin to enjoy your life, your job, your community, hobbies, gifts, talents and loved ones something really cool happens. You forget to look for love. This contentment and peace serves as a love magnet for the opposite sex and boom! You are the stud or studette you always wanted to be. Someone who is content and happy in their life is far more attractive than someone who is desperate and needy. Enjoy where you are and relax: no regrets!
We all have dating war stories and scars of a Mr. Hippie, Ms. Whackadoodledoo, Ms. Narcissistic, or Mr. False Advertiser. Do not beat yourself up for bad choices, rather, learn from them and move on. This is an open book test and you will eventually get it right when you are ready.
Bad dating experiences help us to learn, grow, become less naïve and more accepting and compassionate of ourselves and others. Sometimes it takes us awhile to find what we need, and God knows sometimes what we want is never what we need. Don’t beat yourself up for your bad choices and look to the future with your head held high.
Keep the faith, be you, and enjoy your life!
Wishing you lots of love, fun and appropriate clothing for all dates this summer and always!
Ms. Lemery is a psychotherapist practicing in Glens Falls and Saratoga Springs, New York. For more information email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or visit meghanlemery.com.
