I find it so hard to know exactly what to say or how to say it “in the heat of the moment” with my boys. I know you all have those times too, when you’re confronted with challenging behavior, bad tempers, accusations, angry tears by all involved, and you want to say just the right thing that will teach all the lessons and impart all the wisdom in the half second you have to say your piece before they all tune you out, scatter to their rooms, and slam their doors.
In those moments, and afterward, when I’m trying to figure out what I should have said or what I should say next time, I find myself relying on time-tested sayings that prove, over and over, why they’ve passed the test of time. These include:
Don’t worry about the speck in your brother’s eye before you deal with the log in your own.
Are any of the rest of you *so over* your kids getting mad at their siblings for doing things they themselves do? I have a couple of boys who do this more than the others, and funny enough, they’re the ones who get the most upset over perceived injustices and unfairness. Like, one boy will regularly take his brother’s spot on the couch when the brother gets up to go to the bathroom. But if someone were to do the same to that boy? Everybody, watch out! I have another who likes to hoard the particular Lego pieces and figures he likes, even if they technically belong to someone else, but if he discovers one of his brothers is using a piece or a figure that belongs to him? Everybody, watch out!
So I try to explain to them that they can’t get mad at others for doing the very things they themselves do. If they really want things to get better, they should start by reforming their own behavior—which brings me to another saying I rely on: Be the change you wish to see. And also: He who is without sin cast the first stone. Oh, and: Do unto others what you would have them do unto you. And of course: Judge not, lest ye be judged.
If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
This is one of those maxims that changes with maturity, you know? Because certainly there are times when unsavory things need to be said. But, at least with my boys, being that they’re not collaborating in a workplace or leading a country or making life or death decisions, they say a whole lot of negative and critical things for absolutely no good reason at all. In fact, they seem to do it for one of two reasons: either because they think that if they have a thought, they should say it, and/or because they’re trying to bother others. Neither reason is okay with me. For one thing, I really dislike when people think that every thought that passes through their minds is of such brilliance and importance that it must be shared, lest the world be deprived of each golden nugget of thought, no matter how mundane or irritating. I hate it when adults do that, and I’m determined to teach my boys to at least think before they speak, which “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” fosters.
For another thing, I really hate it when they needle each other. Is there ever any good that comes out of that? Is it at all helpful to tell your brother that the drawing he just spent an hour working on is off center? Or that the words he wrote on the picture are spelled wrong? Especially when he’s only five and not even in Kindergarten yet and a critical word from a big brother could derail the progress he’s made? “But it’s true!” the offending party might say to me when I reprimand him for criticizing his brother’s drawing, which brings me to the more mature tweak to the “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” rule: Before you speak, consider whether it’s true, kind, and necessary.
One of my boys in particular and I have had many recent conversations about applying the “true, kind, necessary” test to something he has said or wants to say, and while the conversations themselves are sometimes exasperating (he’s often looking for a loophole that will allow him to say the thing he wants to say without being reprimanded for them), over all they’re so good to have, and helpful even for me in my own conversations with others.
I even have sayings that help me keep the right focus in my mothering. Life is a journey, and One day at a time, and Pray and do the best you can, and Nobody’s perfect are some of them. In light of next weekend, when we’re thinking of the dads in our lives and appreciating all they do, I’ll share a line my dad said to me in my earliest days of being a mom, that has stuck with me and echoed in my head so many times during these years: You can’t crap out when it comes to parenting your kids. Amen! Thanks for the wisdom, Dad!
Do you have sayings like these, that help you in your parenting? Things that your kids will remember and laugh about when they’re grown up (and use with their own kids)? I hope all you fathers have a wonderful Father’s Day!
Kate and her husband have six sons ages 12, 10, 8, 7, 5, and 3. Follow her at www.facebook.com/kmtowne23, or email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
