WE HAVE ALL HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE.

Whether it’s a parent, colleague, spouse, or friend having to interact with a difficult person can be extremely challenging and exhausting. Having a strategy to deal with these types of people is the key to keeping yourself healthy as well as keeping your energy level free of drama and chaos.

Usually people that are difficult to deal with have some kind of personality disorder.A personality disorder is most likely to develop when a person has no sense of self-worth or inner strength.They rely on others for constant admiration and attention and resort to manipulative techniques to always get what they want.

In most cases personality disorders develop when a person fails to receive love and approval from one or both parents.  In an attempt to create that love and security that was lacking, they rely on other people to fill up this emptiness. The relationships become parasitic in nature as the person with the personality disorder needs a “host” to fill up their empty core.

If you are dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, you will most likely feel exhausted, confused, second guess yourself constantly and feel criticized and manipulated.Communication is circular in nature and you can’t ever seem to get a clear picture of what is going on.  You may feel that your energy is completely drained after an interaction with this type of person.

This draining feeling stems from their subtle attempt to break you down and make you feel that you are the one in the wrong.Guilt and condemnation are the tools they use to feel in control and in charge.They have difficulty admitting when they are wrong and will manipulate every situation to put the blame on you.Relationships with these types of people can leave you feeling empty, confused and depressed.

If you have someone in your life with a personality disorder, recognize that their issue has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.This is a complex, deep rooted mental health disorder that developed in childhood as a way to feel fulfilled.When you detach from internalizing their lack,you begin to see the person as someone who suffers from an illness, which in turn, enables you to see the picture more clearly.This detachment protects you from the inner turmoil that occurs from being around this toxic energy.

The key to communicating with someone who has a personality disorder is to stick to the facts.They will attempt to use a circular communication style that leaves you scratching your head and feeling beyond confused. Stick completely to the facts and do not let them enfold you into their web of manipulation. 

For example, if you feel frustrated and want to express your feelings use this approach:
“The fact is you were late and it’s disrespectful.” 
“The fact is I sent you the report you asked me to complete one week ago and you have not responded.”
“The fact is I will not engage in this discussion with you as I have done nothing wrong.”

Using this simple phrase takes the emotional charge out of the interaction and enables you to remain in a place of neutrality and strength.  Emotional drama to people suffering from a personality disorder is like putting lighter fluid on a gasoline tank. It keeps them warm and comfortable because they are in charge of your emotions and reactions.  Sticking to the facts cuts the wires to the bomb that is about to ignite. 

When using this style of communication, pay attention to how the other person responds to your factual way of communicating.  This keen awareness will completely disable their ability to spin you in a circle. You may find that the person becomes completely frustrated and angry once you stop engaging in the game.

I am often asked if people with personality disorders can be treated and cured.  The fact is they have to want to make the changes necessary to get healthy and develop a strong inner core.Without the desire to change there is very little chance that the person will get healthy.

It often takes a compelling event to wake this type of person up.  Death of a loved one, loss of a job, or a life threatening illness can be a trigger to push them to deal with the emptiness they feel.They need to develop insight into their manipulative behavior and once this insight is found the road to recovery can be successful.

 The best treatment for this type of person is in how you interact with them.  Once you stop the cycle of dysfunction they don’t have a willing participant to engage in the dysfunctional pattern of a parasitic relationship.

Remember, if you feel confused, frustrated, anxious, full of self-doubt and drained you are most likely interacting with someone who has a personality disorder.Take a step back, assess the situation, detach from any emotion and stick to the facts.This will protect your self-esteem and put a stop to the manipulation that the person with a personality disorder thrives upon.

Don’t spend another minute being held hostage to emotional manipulation, get the clarity and help you need to break free and live in peace.

YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Meghan Fritz is a psychotherapist practicing in State College, PA. For more information email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.