One of my friends, however, whose child was a little older than mine, saw me encouraging Thomas to say please one day and she wrinkled up her nose and said, “I don’t worry about making mine say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ at this age—it would be pointless, since he doesn’t even understand what it means.”
I’ve thought about that exchange a lot since then—certainly she can bring up her child however she likes, but her reasoning just seemed off to me. It seemed to me the important thing was to get the child into the habit of politeness, whether or not he understood why.
How many other things do we find important to impress upon our children, whether or not they understand the reasons behind them? Good eating habits, the importance of education, hygiene, and matters of faith all come to mind. I can tell my boys a thousand times that the reason we brush our teeth is to avoid cavities and the reason we take baths is to be clean and the reason we eat vegetables is to help our bodies be strong and healthy, but I’m 99 percent sure the younger ones have no idea what I’m talking about—to them, brushing teeth is tasty, baths allow for swimming fun right in our own home, and strength comes with age (“When am I going to be big and strong like Dad?”). No matter—these things are important, and getting into the habit as soon as possible seems wise.
And so it is with manners. My dad recently got this great book for my boys entitled, “50 Things Every Young Gentleman Should Know: What to Do, When to Do It, & Why” by John Bridges and Bryan Curtis. I recently began reading a chapter to the boys during dinner each night—easy to do with chapters that each focus on one point and are only about three pages long. Some of my favorite topics are “Shaking Hands,” “Dealing With Foods You Don’t Like,” “Winning Well,” “Losing Well,” and even “Meeting People With Physical Challenges.” And it explains why manners are important, pointing out to the boys reading it that parents “want you to be a young man people like. They want you to be a young man people trust. They want you to be a young man people respect.” Furthermore, it argues that it can be “a big relief … to know how to do things the right way.”
Yes, manners are important for all those reasons: they foster likeability, trustworthiness, respectability and social confidence, all of which can lead to worldly success.
But there’s another aspect to manners that I don’t hear talked about too much, and which is as important—if not more so—to me: they are a way of showing the people you come in contact with that you recognize their dignity as human beings, and that as such they are worthy of being treated well. In this regard, cultivating good manners can be seen as a type of ministry, as a way of being a loving and peaceful person. Even if one’s heart is not friendly toward another, good manners allow for a civil and perhaps even friendly exchange—they show effort being made at treating others the way you yourself would like to be treated.
It’s definitely an uphill battle with the little ones. You should see the lessons in manners we have around here in the privacy of our home. Manners are not always the favorite thing, especially when dealing with one’s brothers, and especially when one is in a foul mood, as after getting in trouble or when trying to forgive each other and move on. The mouthed “I’m sorry” followed by the screamed “I’m sorry” when I say, “Say it again, so your brother can hear you.” The clenched teeth when saying, “Please” or “Thank you” when I’m trying to show them the proper way to share toys (as opposed to the grabbing/hitting/kicking/screaming/hair pulling, etc.). The way I have to constantly tell them, “Keep your hands to yourselves!” (See Chapter 40: “Boundaries: Yours and Theirs.”)
But we keep trying. Our toddler currently has a few words in his growing vocabulary, including words for blanket, dessert/treat, hello, goodbye, and Daddy. Just now he brought his empty cup over to me and babbled away and I knew he was asking for more juice. So I filled his cup up and gave it back to him and he said, for the first time without being prompted, “Thank you.” You’re so welcome, my polite little man. And Happy Father’s Day to all you who were once little boys learning their manners!
Kate Towne Sherwin is a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) living in Saratoga Springs with her husband and their sons Thomas (8), Gabriel (6), John Dominic (4), Xavier (3), and Thaddeus (17 months). She can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
