Getting Ready to Take the Next Step
“Mothering Boys”
I recently read an article that contained the phrase “soiling the nest,” which caught my eye because it was used to explain behavior by college-bound kids the summer before their freshman year. Since I’m currently in one of those summers, as I was two years ago and will be again every two years going forward until the end of time (or so it seems), behavior that is common enough among that group to have a term attached to it is interesting to me. As I understood it, this particular term is used to explain difficult behavioral issues that might pop up or increase in the college-bound child during that final summer at home. I imagine it can be used to describe similar issues in any person of that age, college bound or not — any person on the cusp of a new life and all that that means; any person who is closing a door on all that he or she ever knew. These behaviors might be the person’s way of dealing with this new life transition — “soiling” what’s left behind as a way of making it easier to leave behind.
Funny enough, when I read that, it wasn’t my own kids that came to mine, but me myself! I distinctly remember going through something like this when I was their age. I’m not even sure my parents would agree with me on this point — I was blessed with a basically easy temperament and I really didn’t cause my parents trouble, but I do remember feeling “itchy” both before heading to college and before getting married. This “itchiness” was definitely a mix of terror and sadness at leaving behind beloved and comfortable stages of my life on the one hand, and terror and eagerness to see what the next stage would bring. I wanted all the benefits of being grown up without actually being grown up. This tension often made me feel annoyed, irritated, and more impatient than usual with the people closest to me. I mostly just wanted to be left alone — I didn’t want to deal with the inescapable demands of relationships, nor the responsibilities that come with being a member of a household, nor even the responsibilities of having a job. Mostly, I wanted to sleep. I’ve always worked through things in my mind while sleeping, and when I’m feeling very overwhelmed, I start to feel very tired, like I can’t keep my eyes open. “Wake me when it’s over!” might be an accurate way of explaining what my mind and body start yelling when things get stressful.
I haven’t really seen “soiling the nest” from my college boys, but this idea of “working through things” in various ways is definitely something I’ve noticed. I remember during the summer before my oldest left for college, he amped up his running. He’d always been a runner — he ran Cross Country and track in high school and kept it up during the off seasons as well — but that summer I saw a new intensity. Before, his normal might have been to run a few miles every other day or so. Sometimes he’d do every day. He wouldn’t usually run more than five miles at a time, though once a week or so he’d throw in a long run. But that summer, it seemed to me that he was averaging ten miles a day, every single day. He would just *go* and I wouldn’t see him for hours. He’d run the three miles from our house to the state park as a warmup, then run a couple varsity loops (about three miles each), then run home as a cool down — and sometimes go out again later for another run! From the outside, he just looked like any committed runner, but I could practically see the wheels turning in his head, fueling his runs. His mind was using his legs to try to work through it all. I knew that he’d made the transition to college and adjusted well when he stopped running so much later that fall and winter.
My second boy isn’t a runner, but I see his mind churning through things as well. He’s taking a lot of walks — long walks alone in addition to nightly walks with his dad. I’m seeing an increase in computer time — earbuds in, computer open in front of him, often laughing out loud at whatever YouTube video he just watched. I’m seeing an increase in a desire to avoid talking about anything to do with college — no, he doesn’t want to weigh in on towel colors; no, he doesn’t know what kind of school supplies he’d like; no, he doesn’t want to print out his fall schedule. I’m seeing an increase in sleepiness and general exhaustion — just like his mama. It’s killing him to hear of things his brothers will be doing in the fall that he won’t be here for, and he is not happy that we keep telling him he can’t come home every weekend. At the same time, though, he definitely feels like high school is a thing of the past.
If it weren’t the summer before college, these kinds of behaviors would be concerning to me, and you can be sure I’ll keep an eye on them to make sure that they even out once he gets acclimated to school, but all summer I’ve been thinking about how there are documented summer-before-college changes in behavior — some of which have been called “soiling the nest” — and I remember my own out-of-character behavior from that time, and my oldest running his heart out, and I assure myself this is a necessary part of the process. It’s not easy growing up!
It’s not easy growing up for kids, and it’s not easy for mamas, either. That’s a common back-to-school thought, though, isn’t it?! I hope this new school year and all the new growing-up things that come with it go as peacefully as possible for all of you and your little ones.
Kate and her husband have seven sons ages 19, 18, 16, 14, 12, 10, and 5. Email her at kmtowne23@gmail.com.