With the Federal estate tax exemption (the amount you can pass estate tax-free) at more than $11.5 million per person, or over $23 million for a married couple, many people may be inclined to believe that estate planning is simply not something they need to concern themselves with. While that may be true from an estate tax perspective, estate planning is a multifaceted concept with certain principles that apply to virtually everyone. 

At the end of the day estate planning is about making sure your assets go to whom you’d like them to, and in the most efficient way possible. One way to do this is to write a will which dictates the distribution of your estate, but a will, alone, can be a very inefficient tool due to a process called probate.

Probate is the public process of certifying your will and distributing your estate. During this process your will can be contested, making the process potentially very long and expensive. You could expect to spend up to four percent of your probatable estate in legal fees and, even after a years-long process, your estate may not be distributed as you would have wished. 

In order to help eliminate these concerns, it is usually recommended that your assets be titled in such a a way as to avoid probate altogether. 

Non-retirement funds can be titled as “Transfer-on-Death” accounts. If held jointly, these accounts can also be titled as having “Rights of Survivorship.” Upon your death, assets in these accounts would be easily transferred to your joint owner first, and then to the named beneficiaries upon the second death. 

Your retirement accounts, including IRAs and employer-sponsored plans can have named beneficiaries. Just as with a Transfer-on-Death account, upon your death your assets can be easily transferred into the names of your beneficiaries. 

Because these types of designations are contractual, they are excluded from probate, and cannot be contested. Avoiding probate means these funds are available to your heirs almost immediately, and privately. 

We recommend reviewing your beneficiary declarations annually, or upon a life event, to help ensure they accurately reflect your wishes.

This certainly isn’t to say that a will is unnecessary. Quite to the contrary. A will is an important estate planning tool for distributing assets which can’t be distributed in a more efficient way. 

Many people mistakenly believe that if they don’t have a will, and don’t utilize beneficiary declarations or joint ownership tools, then their spouse will simply inherit everything. They are often wrong. 

This is called dying “intestate.” In this instance these assets would still be subject to a probate process, but without any documents to dictate your wishes, the State determines who inherits your assets. 

If you die intestate in New York, with a spouse and descendants, then your spouse will receive the first $50,000 of the intestate estate, plus half of the remainder. Your descendants would receive the other half. Nobody will be more surprised than your spouse!

Work with your Certified Financial Planner ® and a qualified estate attorney to help determine the best way to help ensure your estate goals are met. You may not require an intricate estate plan with many moving parts, but you should certainly be aware of the basic steps and tools available to you to help simply the process for your heirs.

Stephen Kyne, CFP® is a Partner at Sterling Manor Financial, LLC in Saratoga Springs and Rhinebeck.

Securities offered through Cadaret, Grant & Co., Inc. Member FINRA/SIPC. Advisory services offered through Sterling Manor Financial, LLC, or Cadaret, Grant & Co., Inc., SEC registered investment advisors. Sterling Manor Financial and Cadaret, Grant are separate entities. This article contains opinion and forward-looking statements which are subject to change. Consult your investment advisor regarding your own investment needs.

If you are appointed as a Guardian under Article 81 of the New York State Mental Hygiene Law, you are charged with certain responsibilities under the statute.  Included in those responsibilities is the completion and filing of an Initial Report and Annual Reports.

What is in the Guardian’s Initial Report?   
The Guardian’s Initial Report includes the details of the assets of the incapacitated person (IP).  The Guardian must set forth exactly what IP assets are coming under their control at the outset of the guardianship.  The Guardian must also detail their plan to meet the medical, physical, and social needs of the IP. 

When does the Initial Report need to be filed? 
The Initial Report must be filed within 90 days of the Guardian receiving their Commission.

Is there an educational requirement for the Guardian? 
Yes. The Guardian must take a state mandated course regarding their responsibilities. Proof of completion of the course must be filed with the Initial Report.  In some cases, however, the Court waives the educational requirement.

What is in the Guardian’s Annual Report? 
The Annual Report addresses the ongoing property and personal affairs of the IP. Regarding their property affairs, the Annual Report details the amount of assets the IP started with at the beginning of the year and the amount of assets they finished with at the end of the year. Each item of income and expense during the course of the year must also be itemized.  Regarding the personal needs of the IP, the Guardian must report regarding the general welfare of the IP – including the medical care received by the IP during the year, the appropriateness of the IP’s current residence, and whether there is any reason to change the guardianship.

When does the Annual Report need to be filed?  
The Annual Report must be filed by the end of May each year regarding the activity from the prior calendar year.

Where do the Guardian Reports need to be filed? 
Where the reports need to be filed varies depending on the particular circumstances of the guardianship; however, in all cases, the reports need to be filed with the Examiner of Guardianship Reports for the county where the IP resides.  The Examiner will then review the report and issue their own report to the Guardian and the Court.

The completion and filing of proper guardianship reports can be a challenging process.  If you need assistance complying with your responsibilities as a Guardian, you should seek the assistance of an experienced elder law attorney.

Matthew J. Dorsey, Esq. is a Partner with O’Connell and Aronowitz, 1 Court St., Saratoga Springs.  Over his twenty-three years of practice, he has focused in the areas of elder law, estate planning, and estate administration.  Mr. Dorsey can be reached at 518-584-5205, mdorsey@oalaw.com, and www.oalaw.com.

Working from home has become the new normal for many people.

While some are lucky enough to have a dedicated home office set-up, many others find themselves in an ergonomically challenging work environment which can result in aches and pain throughout the spine. 

Incorporating stretches into your daily routine can help counteract the negative effects of prolonged sitting and less than ideal work stations.  Stretches should be performed on a daily basis and can be done once or twice a day. Stretches should be held for 30-60 seconds.

AS WE NAVIGATE THE START AND POTENTIAL STOP OF A NEW SCHOOL YEAR, DAY-TO-DAY LIFE CAN FEEL ANXIETY-PROVOKING, OVERWHELMING AND DIFFICULT.

The fall season has always been a time of changing weather, shifting priorities and new intentions.  It marks a point in time when we begin to make plans for fall festivals and upcoming holidays. 

From childcare to holiday planning, decision-making can feel burdensome and never-ending.  It seems many decisions rest on the cliff of choosing between sanity and safety.  For example, you know to preserve your sanity you need to get a babysitter a few times a week to bring more balance to your life but you have anxiety about bringing someone into your family pod.

 How do you make healthy decisions during this time of uncertainty?

1. EXPLORE ALL OPTIONS
If you are not sure what decision is best for you and your loved ones, talk or write each possible scenario out. One of the things I do when I feel stuck is to speak out all of the different possibilities. Whether I am talking to a loved one, friend, or simply saying it out-loud to myself, this ritual allows me to hear the options I have stated in an organized, orderly way.

2. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BODY
Our bodies are so wise. They have an internal GPS system that guides us along the right path in any situation. As you state or write out your options, pay attention to your body.  Is your heart rate accelerating at one of your choices? Do you feel uneasy or anxious as you are considering one of the options?

This is your GPS alerting you that this is not the right option for you. Whether it is an increased heartrate, pressure in your chest or overall discomfort, your body will let you know what options you can cross off the list.

Use your body as a built-in GPS to help you make better decisions in every area of your life.

3. FOLLOW THE PEACE
If you feel anxious, drained or fearful about any of your options, this is the opposite of peace. A very simple way to make decisions in this time is to honor your peace of mind. Do not let outside noise in the form of well intentioned family members or friends move you off the path of peace. When in doubt only go forward if you have true peace and resist the urge to over-explain to those who don’t agree with you. 

In a time full of rapidly changing information, guidelines and rules, it’s important to slow down, keep it simple and honor the basics when it comes to making decisions. State your options, listen to your body and follow the peace.

YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Meghan Fritz is a psychotherapist practicing at Fritz, Stanger & Associates.  For more information email meghanfritzlcsw@gmail.com

School starts for my boys and many (most?) of your children next week, and I know many families who have already started.

My back-to-school pieces in past years have tended toward tips and tricks for a smoother beginning of the school year, or sometimes verklempt pieces about how fast time goes. There seems to be little room for those topics this year, though, as we’re all grappling with other concerns.

From what I’ve seen among my own family and friends, as well as on social media and in the news, there are parents who are eager for their children to return to in-person school, and parents who are scared for their children to return to in-person school. Some parents are choosing to keep their children home and utilize whatever virtual options are being offered by their school, or are choosing to fully homeschool, while other parents don’t have a choice, whether because their schools aren’t offering it or because the parents’ jobs don’t allow the flexibility for their preferred choices. I know parents of children with special needs who are scared for the unavailability in many places of the services their children need to succeed, and scared for the risk to their children’s health posed by receiving those very services. I know teachers who can’t wait to get back in the classroom, and teachers who are terrified to do so; the same can be said for the students. I don’t think any family with school-age children or teachers are untouched by worry about this upcoming school year.

I thought I’d offer two thoughts that have been helpful to me as I try to remain mentally and emotionally healthy in the midst of all the worry. First: a delay in the kids’ educational path isn’t the end of the world. This is something I can start freaking out about if I think about it too much! I’ve really loved the pace and direction of my children’s lives thus far. It’s been easy for me to plan and prepare for each step of their development, because it’s all been laid out neatly: elementary school, then middle and high school, grade by grade. Extracurricular activities and sports at the youth level, then modified, then JV, then Varsity. Academic opportunities, PSAT and SAT prep and test taking. College visits and applications, then college itself. Then adulthood, with all its jobs and relationships and fulfillment of so many of the things I’ve hoped for them. I don’t do well with uncertainty—I definitely like to know what’s coming and when—so this past spring, when it was unclear at first whether the school year would be able to finish normally, or if everyone would fall behind, I tried to stave off panic. What will life look like for my kids if the normal flow of things is interrupted? 

Around the time that I was at peak panic, back in early spring, I’d been reading up on a particular psychologist named Mihalyi Czikszentmihalyi because of his theories about tapping into what he calls “flow” (that feeling of being “in the zone” when working on something—something that I often can’t find just when I need it!), and in reading about his work I came upon more personal information about himself. I was amazed to discover that he’d had to flee Budapest with his family as a child during World War II because the Russian soldiers were coming (the bridge over the Danube blew up right after his train crossed it), and that he and his family had lived in a refugee camp for a time. Of course his educational path was derailed, and he wasn’t able to start college until he was twenty-two; even then, he had to grapple with language, cultural, and financial challenges. And yet, he went on to be incredibly successful and respected in his field, and married and had children as well. Reading about this man living through things much worse than my family and I have had to, and for much longer, has given me some much needed perspective and peace.

The second thought that’s been helpful to me is that what’s going on right now is not only happening to my children. The fear of “falling behind” begs the question: “Falling behind whom?”  Local peers? National peers? We know that students, teachers, administrators, and families locally and across the country are all dealing with new guidelines and protocols, worries about their own health and those of their loved ones, and uncertainty about how the school year will proceed despite everyone’s best efforts. Whatever difficulties or delays we encounter this academic year will be encountered by all of us, everywhere. I find great solace in the thought that, despite our differing opinions about how best to proceed, we are, truly, all in this together.

I very much hope and pray and that the 2020-2021 school year sees an end to this pandemic and a return to the best parts of “normal life” for all of us: hope for our children and their futures; peace for all the adults trying to keep everything on track; good health for all, including the most vulnerable. 

Kate and her husband have seven sons ages 15, 14, 12, 10, 8, 6, and 2. Follow her at www.facebook.com/kmtowne23, or email her at kmtowne23@gmail.com.

Recently a runner asked me, “How can a runner best utilize 10 minutes a day for stretching?” 

This is a great question and one that requires a bit of information to explain the answer.

One of the most common misconceptions in fitness, and for that matter the medical communities, is that “stretching” will help to prevent injuries. Researchers have conducted multiple studies through the years and have concluded, repeatedly, that stretching is NOT effective for injury prevention. 

Flexibility typically means increasing the “length” of the muscle. This is just an expression of course because our muscles/tendons always attach to the exact same location on the bone. The research shows that even after months of stretching the amount of change to the tissue is in millimeters…meaning you are not likely able to see much change to the tissue unless you use a microscope. So, although it is possible to increase the length of tissue it requires a lot of time and effort for even mild changes. But more importantly, these changes do NOT help reduce the risk of injury. 

Stretching is less about tissue length and is more about neurological inhibition. Meaning by holding the position we are essentially telling the nervous system to tell the muscles it is OK to let go. This is why we “get looser” as we stretch. The muscle’s length doesn’t change, we just let our bodies know that it is safe to do the movement so our alarm system is relaxed, and as a result, we go further into a movement…we “stretch out.”

Unfortunately, when our alarm system is relaxed we may be more susceptible to injuries. So being stretched out, although some love the way it feels, has no real benefit to a runner. For me, despite the recommendations from most fitness coaches and medical practitioners, stretching will not make my top “4-5 best things a runner can do to prevent injuries.” I no longer try to convince people to change, but focus on what is likely to have a more beneficial effect. 

TOP 5 INJURY PREVENTION STRATEGIES FOR RUNNERS
1. SLEEP is the most effective strategy that has the biggest effect on injury prevention and sports enhancement…8-10 hours per night. The better your sleeping habits the better you will feel and the better you will train. 
2. STRENGTH TRAINING is one of the most effective injury prevention strategies runners can do to help themselves stay injury-free. Strong muscles are resilient muscles and strong muscles improve performance. 
3. FOAM ROLLING is an effective way to warm up tissue without negatively affecting performance. Research has shown foam rolling improves tissue and joint mobility and serves as a more effective “warm-up” than stretching. 
4. NUTRITION MATTERS. A scientifically-backed approach that does not include any fad diets. Recovery meals are as important as pre-run meals.
5. HYDRATION is essential for recovery and injury prevention.

TOP 4 ACTIVITIES/EXERCISES I RECOMMEND FOR MOST (IF NOT ALL) RUNNERS:
1. Foam Rolling:
a. Calf
b. Glutes
c. Hamstring
d. Thigh (Front-Outer-Inner)

2. Hip/GluteStrengthening:
a. Single-Leg Bridges: The straight leg bridge is performed by lifting the buttock into the air and then straightening one leg.
b. Lateral Toe Taps: This is performed by standing with bands around the knees. The first cue I give is to stand in an athletic position with your butt back and knees bent. Then shift your weight to one side and hold that position throughout the entire exercise. Now without moving the torso or stance leg then tap the opposite foot out to the side and slightly backward. You will feel this in the hip/butt region.

3. Calf/Foot Strengthening: 
Stand tall on the balls of your feet firmly planted on the ground. Raise your heels a few inches so that you’re on your tiptoes. Hold the position for a moment, and then lower your heels to the ground.
Sit tall on a bench or chair with your feet flat on the ground, holding a dumbbell on top of your knees. (Make sure the weight is positioned atop muscle and not bone.)
Lift your heels off the ground as high as possible. Slowly lower your heels back down to the ground and repeat.

4. Proprioception/Balance 
Balance while standing on one foot. Use a Yoga mat to increase your level of difficulty. Hold for 30 seconds.  When it gets easy try with your eyes closed.
Balance while standing on one foot. Reach with the opposite foot to the front, side and behind you, while maintaining your balance and try not touching down if possible. 

Programming the proper exercises for optimal results is dependent on the individual and the specific goal. It is very important to understand the clues the body is giving regarding the training because although the intention is to improve or prevent injury, then too much training can be the very thing that causes injury. This is where guidance is recommended. 

At Goodemote PT we work with runners recovering from injury and at FysioFit PT we work with runners that are done with rehab and want to progress their programs. We also work with runners looking for an assessment or to build on their existing program. If you have any questions call 518-306-6894 to set up an appointment or find us at GoodemotePT.com and/or FyisoFitPT.com.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO VISIT MY PARENTS FOR A FAMILY VACATION IN FLORIDA AT THE END OF MARCH.

Our plans came to a screeching halt with Covid hitting our country and the world fast and furious.  Now we are almost five months into life with Covid and still nothing seems normal.  It’s been 7 months since we’ve seen my parents and it seems like an eternity.

When I am asked when I will see clients face-to-face again, I have no answer.  When asked if I will send my son to preschool in the fall, I have no answer.  When friends ask when we are coming to visit in other States, I have no answer.  I think about where we were in January and where we ended up in April and realize planning for the future feels uncertain and anxiety provoking.

The normal calendar and traditions of the seasons feel like a set up for disappointment.  How do we get through everyday life and maintain our peace and hope?  How do we safeguard ourselves from anxiety and fear as we approach the fall season?

Stay Here. What I mean is, keep your head where your feet are. As much as I want to be able to determine what a week will look like with a normal work schedule, school and the routine, I don’t’ know.  What I do know is I have control over how I process my feelings and how I focus my mind.

A thousand times a day I call myself back to the day at hand.  Today, as I write this, is Sunday.  This is where I will find the most peace, right here, right now, in this moment. 

When I’m playing with my son and I think about how our household will navigate the very near future, I call myself back to focusing on building the block tower he wants to immediately knock down.  I organize the blocks by color, next time by shape. These small concrete decisions make me feel like all is well and that in this moment I have control.

When I wake up in the early morning hours missing family and friends far away, I get up and try to spend ten minutes of quiet time with my hot cup of coffee downstairs in the silence. I remind myself all I have to do is be present for this day.  Not the past, not the future, just the present day.

When you feel yourself falling down the rabbit hole of the unknown, when you feel yourself wondering when you will get to see your loved ones or even host a normal birthday party, come back here. Come back to the place you stand and keep your head, for this moment, where your feet are.  Repeat as often as necessary.

YOU ARE HERE AND YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Meghan Fritz is a psychotherapist practicing in State College, PA. For more information email: meghanfritzlcsw@gmail.com 

I recently found something I’d written when my baby — who is turning two next month — was just a month old, in which I lamented my impatience with my older boys when they constantly clamored to hold the baby, touch the baby, stick their fingers in the baby’s fist, smooth down the baby’s hair (I found this particularly irksome), and put their faces as close to the baby’s as possible. My constant bark was, “Back up!” with, “I need space!” sometimes added. 

I wrote about how much I hated that I had a hard time with their gestures of love for their baby brother. I realized even in the midst of it that much of my impatience was because I was desperate for personal space, due to both the demands of a newborn and the slow and difficult recovery I had after his birth — even while I loved how excited they were and always have been about a new baby, and I so much wanted them to have good memories of having another little brother. (But I only thought those things and felt those feelings when they weren’t invading my space and trying to touch the baby!)

It’s nice to see, two years later, that my hope that they would have good memories of having a baby brother seem to have come true, and continue to come true, despite all of my failings as a mother. The big boys love that baby! I’ve thought many times over the last few months that our littlest guy has brightened up this dark quarantine time with his adorable little self, and other moms I’ve spoken to who have babies, toddlers, and preschoolers have said the same.

He’s just starting to talk, and has started to make attempts to say his brothers’ names. If you want to see big boys melt, watch them realize that their baby brother is calling to them! He recently learned how to jump, and likes to jump around the room with these tiny wobby jumps. He throws his little arms in the air and throws his little body on the couch and laughs and laughs. When he’s in a good mood, he says, “Yes!” and “No!” and “Mom!” and “Dad!” in this sweet, tiny voice. He’s all about animal noises right now and imitates on cue the sounds that horses, dogs, wolves, lions, and dinosaurs make. He’s also all about big trucks, and squeals with happiness when he sees them driving by.

Lest you think he’s cute and cheerful all the time, I do have to say that he’s one of my more high-maintenance children, and likes to scream and tantrum as well. He’s been acting like a two-year-old for months now, which makes things more challenging for me, but his brothers don’t have to deal with that side of him too much, so his reputation as Cutest Baby Brother Ever is intact. Sometimes they (and I!) even laugh when he’s mad, because it’s hilarious seeing this tiny person trying so hard to pitch a fit. He doesn’t like it when any of the others are sitting with me, or even when my husband and I are holding hands—he frowns a funny little frown and comes running over yelling, “Dop! Dop!” (“Stop!”) and tries to push the brother away or pull our hands apart.

But like I say, nothing seems to dampen the older boys’ enthusiasm for their tiny brother. When it’s not immediately obvious where he is (as when he’s down for a nap, or hasn’t yet gotten up in the morning) they ask me where he is. They’re always trying to convince him to hug them or sit with them or play with them. They look at each other and laugh when he does a hilarious thing, even if he’s demanding to have a bite of their food or insisting they move so he can sit in their spot on the couch. I do think part of this love affair is that they’re all so much older than him—the next youngest is four-and-a-half years older than him, so there are no other babies or toddlers competing for attention—it definitely makes a difference!

I’m not entirely sure what the point of all this is — just the meanderings of a mother’s mind as her youngest leaves babyhood, I guess. If I had to sum up, I’d say: babies brighten up hard times (counterintuitive as they might seem), mamas shouldn’t be too hard on themselves when they’re in the thick of it (whatever “it” happens to be at the moment), and big kids love baby siblings. At least, this has been my experience, and I’m grateful for it.

Kate and her husband have seven sons ages 15, 14, 12, 10, 8, 6, and 1. Follow her at www.facebook.com/kmtowne23, or email her at kmtowne23@gmail.com.

I think schedules have always been important to me.

I’ve always hated not knowing what comes next and when, hated not being able to plan my day because of the unknown, hated when my plan had to change because of last-minute unexpected schedule changes, but I didn’t really know how much those things mattered to me until I became a mother.

In my motherhood, especially with babies, my issue with schedules has mostly manifested itself in sleeping and eating: Those two things are so important for me as a mother that I will move heaven and earth and every bit of my own hoped-for schedule of the day to make sure my babies have all the opportunities they need to nurse, get a sufficient nap, go to bed at a reasonable time, and sleep as much as possible through as much of the night as their development allows. I’m totally fine with the baby dictating to me when he’s hungry and tired, which, with my babies, quickly starts to show a fairly predictable rhythm, and then I stick to his rhythm without distraction (until he changes it, as growing babies do). I have never minded putting in the slow, steady, consistent, sometimes two-steps-forward-one-step-back work to really get the baby and I in a good groove—peaceful, sleepful nights with full tummies are my goal, both for baby’s good health and so that I don’t lose my mind.

As my boys have grown, my insistence on a semblance of predictability has taken on different appearances: Once they’re old enough that they’re no longer nursing and bedtime is no longer an issue, my priority shifts to how to keep things as peaceful as possible during the day. Certainly, “peaceful” takes on new meaning when there are seven boys tumbling around, but what I mean is that I have in my mind a schedule of the day—blocks of time that we can deviate from if needed or wanted, but that are easy to slip back into if things are getting out of control. Never do I find this mindset more helpful than in summertime.

For nearly a decade, my summer routine has looked like this: Everybody downstairs by 8 a.m. (no sleeping in, because that will interfere with naps and bedtime later), then breakfast, then children outside until lunch. (During that time I do what needs to be done in the house.) Lunch is followed by a quick pick-up of the house, then I read to them for up to an hour (Charlotte’s Web has almost always been the book we start with in the summer), then we have quiet time for a couple of hours. Then I start dinner, Dad comes home, we eat, we hang out together, the boys go to bed. It’s a good, healthy, simple, predictable daily schedule. (Do note that the older boys—middle school and older—don’t have to stick to this schedule. It’s amazing how self-sufficient big kids are!)

This summer, I decided to change things up a bit. I was most inspired by our school-at-home schedule from this past spring—the little boys and I did school until lunchtime, and then we had a similar schedule as summer for the rest of the day: lunch, clean-up, quiet time, etc. When we had a week off of school for Easter break, in order to keep our momentum going, I replaced “school” with “cleaning” and we all did a pretty great job getting the house in good order in just a week. So I decided to try that as our new summer schedule: Everybody downstairs by 8am, then breakfast, then an hour or two of cleaning (I came up with jobs for each of us, myself included), then outside time, then lunch, etc.

Except, I now have six children who are older than Kindergarten age and a baby who’s really not a baby anymore. This changes things! My original motivation, all those years ago, was, ultimately, to allow for peaceful nights. A busy day and regular naps and bedtime for the little guys almost always allowed this to happen. But what I’m finding this summer is that, on the whole, we’ve moved on!

On the first morning of the first week of summer vacation, I found myself sitting on the couch feeling like the mental exhaustion from the spring was catching up with me. Despite my desire to jump immediately into our new schedule, I just had to sit for a few minutes. The baby was happily playing, the other boys were behaving, and the next thing I knew it was nearly lunchtime. What a peaceful morning it had been! And I hadn’t even had to assign chores or send anyone outside to make it happen!

The next morning, I thought I’d try it again—and again, we had a peaceful, relaxing morning! This time, I felt energized enough to get us all cleaning for a bit before lunch, and I even went outside with the baby and middle boys. Next day, same.

Maybe it’s because I don’t have a nursing baby or a baby who doesn’t sleep well that I’m able to deviate from my schedule a bit without feeling like the world is spinning out of control. Maybe I’m becoming used to having to adjust my preferences because of new pandemic requirements. Maybe this is just one of the many crazy things 2020 has come up with. Whatever the reason, I’m not hating it.

Kate and her husband have seven sons ages 15, 13, 12, 10, 8, 6, and 1.
Follow her at facebook.com/kmtowne23, or email her at kmtowne23@gmail.com.

WE HAVE ALL HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE.

Whether it’s a parent, colleague, spouse, or friend having to interact with a difficult person can be extremely challenging and exhausting. Having a strategy to deal with these types of people is the key to keeping yourself healthy as well as keeping your energy level free of drama and chaos.

Usually people that are difficult to deal with have some kind of personality disorder.A personality disorder is most likely to develop when a person has no sense of self-worth or inner strength.They rely on others for constant admiration and attention and resort to manipulative techniques to always get what they want.

In most cases personality disorders develop when a person fails to receive love and approval from one or both parents.  In an attempt to create that love and security that was lacking, they rely on other people to fill up this emptiness. The relationships become parasitic in nature as the person with the personality disorder needs a “host” to fill up their empty core.

If you are dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, you will most likely feel exhausted, confused, second guess yourself constantly and feel criticized and manipulated.Communication is circular in nature and you can’t ever seem to get a clear picture of what is going on.  You may feel that your energy is completely drained after an interaction with this type of person.

This draining feeling stems from their subtle attempt to break you down and make you feel that you are the one in the wrong.Guilt and condemnation are the tools they use to feel in control and in charge.They have difficulty admitting when they are wrong and will manipulate every situation to put the blame on you.Relationships with these types of people can leave you feeling empty, confused and depressed.

If you have someone in your life with a personality disorder, recognize that their issue has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.This is a complex, deep rooted mental health disorder that developed in childhood as a way to feel fulfilled.When you detach from internalizing their lack,you begin to see the person as someone who suffers from an illness, which in turn, enables you to see the picture more clearly.This detachment protects you from the inner turmoil that occurs from being around this toxic energy.

The key to communicating with someone who has a personality disorder is to stick to the facts.They will attempt to use a circular communication style that leaves you scratching your head and feeling beyond confused. Stick completely to the facts and do not let them enfold you into their web of manipulation. 

For example, if you feel frustrated and want to express your feelings use this approach:
“The fact is you were late and it’s disrespectful.” 
“The fact is I sent you the report you asked me to complete one week ago and you have not responded.”
“The fact is I will not engage in this discussion with you as I have done nothing wrong.”

Using this simple phrase takes the emotional charge out of the interaction and enables you to remain in a place of neutrality and strength.  Emotional drama to people suffering from a personality disorder is like putting lighter fluid on a gasoline tank. It keeps them warm and comfortable because they are in charge of your emotions and reactions.  Sticking to the facts cuts the wires to the bomb that is about to ignite. 

When using this style of communication, pay attention to how the other person responds to your factual way of communicating.  This keen awareness will completely disable their ability to spin you in a circle. You may find that the person becomes completely frustrated and angry once you stop engaging in the game.

I am often asked if people with personality disorders can be treated and cured.  The fact is they have to want to make the changes necessary to get healthy and develop a strong inner core.Without the desire to change there is very little chance that the person will get healthy.

It often takes a compelling event to wake this type of person up.  Death of a loved one, loss of a job, or a life threatening illness can be a trigger to push them to deal with the emptiness they feel.They need to develop insight into their manipulative behavior and once this insight is found the road to recovery can be successful.

 The best treatment for this type of person is in how you interact with them.  Once you stop the cycle of dysfunction they don’t have a willing participant to engage in the dysfunctional pattern of a parasitic relationship.

Remember, if you feel confused, frustrated, anxious, full of self-doubt and drained you are most likely interacting with someone who has a personality disorder.Take a step back, assess the situation, detach from any emotion and stick to the facts.This will protect your self-esteem and put a stop to the manipulation that the person with a personality disorder thrives upon.

Don’t spend another minute being held hostage to emotional manipulation, get the clarity and help you need to break free and live in peace.

YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Meghan Fritz is a psychotherapist practicing in State College, PA. For more information email: meghanfritzlcsw@gmail.com