The Best Men Are Good Dads: “Mothering Boys”
One of the things my dad has done for me my entire motherhood is accompany my kids on their field trips as a chaperone. Any of you who have gone on field trips with your kids know what a commitment that is! It started when my oldest had his first field trips and he was too young for me to comfortably send him without an adult of his own — he was probably in Kindergarten — but at that point I had three other little ones at home, one of whom was a newborn, so there was no way I could go, and my husband wasn’t able to work it out with work. In stepped my dad! That started years and years of him going with my kids on their field trips. He’s done the small ones, like to local farms and orchards that only take up a morning, and he’s done the big ones that require him to be at school with my boy at 5:30 in the morning and they don’t get home until late that night — places in New York City and Boston, like Ellis Island, the Science Museum, the Bronx Zoo, and the Planetarium.
It helps that Dad loves to travel, and I always try to pack a nice bag of food for their trip, which both Dad and the boys have always said they love, but I don’t ever want to take for granted how challenging it can be to be in charge of little ones in unfamiliar places, and that taking these large chunks of time out of one’s day is no small thing. Also, I have ultimate faith that my kids are safe with Dad and that no matter what happens, he’ll figure it out, which is a huge reassurance for a parent! Indeed, it’s a confidence I’ve had my entire life as his daughter.
Just as a woman doesn’t need to actually be a mother to “mother” others, the characteristics of a good dad are the best characteristics of men, in my opinion, and a boy or a man doesn’t need to be a dad to show them. I’m having the great delight of seeing these very characteristics starting to show themselves in my own boys in their dealings with their youngest brothers and their little cousins. For example, during this past basketball season, my littlest boy was just old enough that I felt comfortable letting his big brothers bring him with them to the vending machine, which was out of my sight on a different floor of the school. The big boys took their charge very seriously and even insisted on using their own money to buy their little brother treats. In fact, many days this spring one or two of them would hop into the van at school pick-up with a drink or a piece of candy they’d saved specifically for their little brother.
My second-to-youngest is four and a half years older than my youngest, so he has significantly more things he’s allowed to do on his own and he doesn’t need as much help, but one thing I did need help with in regard to him this past spring was getting him to baseball for warm-ups forty five minutes before his game was to start. That was too soon for me to have gotten myself and the other kids ready to go and have dinner prepared and all that; when his games were at Gavin Park, I just had to do it and drive him, but when they were at the East Side Rec, I usually asked one of my big boys to walk him over, and they never fussed about it. “Make sure you connect him with his team and his coach!” I would specify. “Don’t just leave him at the gate!” And they always did the safe thing — they always made sure their brother was set before they walked home. And sometimes, if I was going to be even more delayed than usual, I would ask whoever walked him over to please stay there until I got there, so my little guy wasn’t alone in the off chance that something might happen (as did once when the game got canceled just a few minutes after he arrived because of a storm). I’ve been amazed at how little complaining there’s been from my big boys!
Even my littlest boy is showing signs of good fatherhood — of caring for those smaller and/or more vulnerable. My youngest two nephews are two and ten months old, and all the boys go bananas over seeing them, but my youngest son can hardly contain his enthusiasm and desire to love them. Whenever they’re around, my little boy does everything he can to find toys they like, or to entertain them by doing crazy faces and noises, or to beg me to put on the shows that they like (it’s because of them that I even know what Cocomelon is). I have to spend a decent amount of time reminding my boy to give them space, because he just wants to hug them and never let them go. “Ohhh!” he’s always saying, with near pain in his voice because of the intensity of his feelings. “I just love them!”
We are blessed to have several really good men in our lives that model the mindset and behavior that I want my boys to internalize, and so much of that has to do with caring for others, providing safety and security, being someone that can be depended upon, and taking seriously serious things. All good-dad stuff! Of course, the — ahem — daddy of them all in our lives is my kids’ own dad. He hates being the center of attention so I won’t go on and on, but suffice it to say I could not have chosen a better dad for my kids. Thanks to all the men who are amazing fathers and/or who provide the best characteristics of a good dad to those around them! Happy Father’s Day!
Kate and her husband have seven sons ages 19, 17, 15, 14, 12, 10, and 5. Email her at kmtowne23@gmail.com.