Dads Matter: “Mothering Boys”

At the risk of shocking you all, I must admit that I spend a lot of time thinking about motherhood. I know! You’d never have guessed it.

This is due, of course, to the fact that I have children, but I also see that I am a mother-figure in other areas of my life. Certainly my younger siblings have been on the receiving end of their big sister’s motherly ways (for better and worse!), and I can also see that I have a certain maternal presence with my students. It’s become more obvious to me now that I’m a teacher why students sometimes call their female teachers “Mom” by accident. I find myself saying things to my students that I would say to my own kids, and caring about my students in a way that feels particularly mom-like.

What I haven’t thought about as much until recently (but should have, since my boys may be fathers one day), is how often men are father-figures to those in their lives, whether they intend to be or not. For example:

• After a recent at-bat in which my son struck out, his baseball coach thumped him on the helmet in a way that was unmistakably supportive and encouraging, but not at all the way I would have chosen to show such emotion. It seems so very dad-like to me, the way that male coaches are with their players.

• Years ago, I watched an older gentleman at church walk over to a younger man who was there with his wife and children and who was also wearing a winter hat. The older man actually got out of his pew to tell the younger man to take his hat off in church. The way the older man approached the younger man seemed familiar, it felt like the way a dad would remind his son for the thousandth time that hats are not to be worn in church. This might be off-putting to certain people (including the guy with the hat), but little lessons like that can help set a man up for success in life (or at least avoid failure), which is certainly a way to show love.

• My husband sent me a photo recently when I wasn’t home of one of my older boys out in the backyard with his youngest brother — he was taking the time to give him some baseball instruction and model for my little guy what he should be doing when he’s in the field and when he’s up to bat. Yes, he was being big-brotherly, but it was also really dad-like — my older boy had clearly learned from watching his dad how to help a little guy learn more about playing baseball.

• When my oldest got home from college at the end of the semester, I asked him several times to take charge of getting one of his younger brothers to baseball when I was having a hard time figuring everyone’s schedules out — I asked him to take his brother to the field and stay with him until my husband or I was able to get there to relieve him, which sometimes ended up being almost two hours. It was important to me that my younger son have someone there for him, and my oldest boy really struck me as a great fatherly stand-in.

Though we know that, unfortunately, it isn’t always the case, the first example a person should have of a good man is one’s own father, and after that, or in absence of that, the other men in one’s life contribute to a person’s understanding of how to mature and move through the world. Of course this is one of the reasons it’s particularly concerning to me when men refuse or are unable to be good role models for others; I do believe we have a responsibility to each other (to a certain extent), and whether they want to be or not, dads are important.

I recently became aware of a man named Rob Kenney who has a YouTube channel called “Dad, how do I?” Rob started his YouTube channel initially for his own kids after some conversations with his daughter about how to do various things that adults should or would like to know how to do; he asserts that the fact that his dad left he and his siblings when Rob was a teen meant that he had to learn some things on his own that his dad should have taught him. His YouTube channel is five years old and has over five million followers, so it seems pretty clear that information on how to change a tire, shave, tie a tie, jump start a car, and various other car maintenance, style and grooming, and DIY topics that Rob addresses in his videos is filling a need. But it’s not just the topics (loads of other places online could provide the same information), but it’s the way they’re conveyed. As one article on abcnews.com about him reported, he speaks “to the camera like he would his own children.” 

And it’s not just that he’s speaking as a parent, but particularly as A Dad. Anyone can learn and teach how to unclog drains and fix cars and toilets, after all. My husband was raised by his amazing mom on her own after his dad died when he was tiny, and he learned or figured out all the things he needed to. I myself have tied my boys’ ties for them when their dad isn’t home and practiced sports with them, taken out the garbage and fixed the shower faucet … but dads are different from moms and have a specific importance, one that’s irreplaceable and all their own. That’s what I celebrate this weekend!

I hope all you wonderful fathers and father-figures are encouraged by the importance your presence has in the lives of those around you, especially younger people! Who you are and what you do makes a difference, and even if you don’t see your impact, it’s there. Happy Father’s Day!

Kate and her husband have seven sons ages 20, 18, 16, 15, 13, 11, and 6. She can be reached at kmtowne23@gmail.com.