Middle School for Moms

I have only one middle schooler in the house this year, but I’m also entering my third year teaching middle school, so this column of mine from ten years ago still hits! Good luck to all you parents and teachers of middle schoolers!

I read recently about two recent studies that focused on parenting middle schoolers (sixth- through eighth-graders) — one found that parents (especially mothers) of middle schoolers are more stressed than at any other time of their parenthood; the other said that parents’ confidence in their parenting abilities declines during the middle school years.* 

I hadn’t gone looking for information about parenting a middle schooler — an article discussing the two studies popped up in my Facebook newsfeed — but I felt like it made a little more sense of some things that have been going on here.

My two oldest boys are in this age range — one is going into seventh grade, the other will be entering middle school next year — and until this summer I’d been reveling in all the positives this new age brings. I watched my oldest boy navigate sixth grade last year — the first year of middle school for our whole family — and I was blown away by the huge, marked increase in independence in his academics and his real interest in and love for volunteering and community service, as well as increasingly interesting and fun conversational skills. I was already seeing those things when he stepped it up even more when my mother-in-law fell ill this past February — every Saturday for the last two months she was alive, my son tended to his grandmother by reading to her, washing dishes, staying out of the way if needed, and generally being a companion to my husband, who spent the entirety of every Saturday caring for his mom. My boy never complained, and seemed to really understand how important it was that he give his best.

But my kids have always been prone to letting their standards slide when they’re in the comfortable environment of home. When my oldest was a toddler I remember asking the pediatrician why he was so well behaved outside the house and so hard to handle inside it? He told me then that it was because my son was comfortable at home — that we’d succeeded in creating the safe environment we always wanted our home to be for our kids, and so our boy knew that no matter how badly he behaved, we’d still love him. The first half of this summer was sort of like the middle-school equivalent of that, and I was so taken off guard that I wasn’t quite sure what to do. I’ve always tended to crack down — for better or worse, that’s always my gut reaction for every kind of bad behavior: to crack down, dole out punishments, restrict privileges, with the goal of nipping bad behavior in the bud as quickly as possible. But not only did my usual course of action not seem to be working, I wasn’t even sure that it was the right approach in general. I’d seen in the last year the beginnings of the emergence of a man where my little boy had once been. I’d seen goodness and honor and integrity of a more mature kind showing itself. My way of dealing with small children seemed, all of a sudden, somewhat inappropriate for this fast-growing, quickly maturing young man.

What to do? About halfway through the summer, I felt that I’d had more than enough. I was at my wit’s end, I was tearing my hair out, I was yelling, I was crying … and then the most amazing thing happened! Just when I felt like things couldn’t possibly get worse (don’t laugh, you parents of older kids! I do know it can get worse), things all of a sudden got better. Like, a thousand times better. One hundred and eighty degrees better. 

All of a sudden, he started putting forth real effort to be patient with his brothers. To be accommodating to the ways in which I need things to run for smooth, peaceful days. To be self-sufficient and even proactive — he told me, for example, that for my birthday he was going to clean the front room. Cleaning and similar daily chores were one of the things we butted heads about the most at the beginning of the summer, and here he was, telling me he was going to do it on his own? Without prodding, pleading, or threatening? I admit I thought, “We’ll see,” and for the next week I did just that — I watched how every day he spent huge chunks of time doing the deepest of deep cleans. When it was done, we had a room that was immaculate — clutter-free, clean, cozy. Then he decided to move on to one of the bathrooms. Then I needed the other bathroom cleaned and asked if he would help me with it, and not only did he say yes right away, but he did more than what I asked.

The last half of this summer has kind of been like a dream! And I’ve made sure to tell him, as many times as I think of it, how grateful I am for all his attempts at helpfulness and self-control and good humor.

I’m not really sure what to expect going forward, which seems to basically be the idea with the middle-school age. The Wall Street Journal article that discussed the two studies described it thusly: “The turbulence that hits sixth- through eighth-graders often begins with the onset of puberty, bringing physical changes and mood swings.”* Turbulence, changes, mood swings, indeed.

I totally get it — I’m sure we all can, if we remember back to our own middle-school days. Remembering it’s not easy on the kids either is helpful! But I do know I’m encouraged by what I’ve seen so far, and the next time we hit a rough patch (as I’m sure you more experienced parents know will happen), I’ll spend a lot of time sitting in my clean front room trying to remember all the good things middle school can bring.

* Luther and Ciciolla. “What it feels like to be a mother: Variations by children’s developmental stages.” Dev Psychol. 2016 January; 52 (1): 143-154 and Glatz and Buchanan. “Change and Predictors of Change in Parental Self-Efficacy from Early to Middle Adolescence.” Dev Psychol. 2015 October; 51 (10): 1367-1379 as discussed in Shellenbarger, Sue. “Mom’s Middle-School Blues.” The Wall Street Journal. May 17, 2016, http://www.wsj.com/articles/moms-middle-school-blues-1463505537.

Kate and her husband have seven sons ages 21, 20, 18, 16, 14, 12, and 8. Email her at kmtowne23@gmail.com.