WE’VE ALL HEARD OF THE STEREOTYPES around the dreaded relationship with your “Monster-in-Law,” we chuckle and make light of the reference but the truth is, the relationship you have with your in-laws does not have to be a source of stress for you in your marriage.
One of the best rules you can set for yourself in establishing healthy communication patterns with your in-laws is to eliminate all triangulation. For example, if you have a question about what your in-laws want for Christmas, do not ask your spouse to do the investigative work. Pick up the phone and have a direct conversation. Notice I didn’t say send an email or a text message, eliminate any possibility that your words could be taken out of context by calling to address your questions and or concerns.
Having a triangle pattern of communication puts you at risk for having words taken out of context. You also run the risk of creating conflict in your marriage if your spouse feels pressure to keep the peace between his/her parents and you.
Shut down any middleman in your discussions and take full responsibility for the relationship you have with your in-laws. If there is a situation that is causing conflict, address it immediately with the in-law directly, NOT your spouse.
When you take responsibility for your feelings and the relationship you have with your in-laws, you immediately diffuse conflict and stop the cycle of drama and dysfunction. If your spouse shares with you that their parent is upset with you, use this as an opportunity to teach your in-laws that you will not engage in triangulation of any kind.
Pick up the phone and state, “Meghan mentioned you were upset with me and I wanted to call you directly to address your feelings. Can you tell me more about what upset you?”
This does two things: 1) It sets the tone that you will honor direct and clear communication without the involvement of your spouse. 2) It paves the way to resolution for any hurt feelings. When someone knows that you will call them out in a direct way you will put an end to any drama that they are trying to start.
When it comes to addressing issues with the grandchildren, be direct-NOT passive aggressive. If your spouse says his/her parents would like to take you to dinner, call and respond directly and be clear about what works for you.
“We would love to go to dinner, but Charlie’s bedtime is at 7 so we would have to plan an early outing.”
Pay attention to any resentment that is building up and make sure to address it when possible.
If your in-laws have low emotional intelligence and can’t participate in the conflict resolution process, state your feelings factually and follow up with a factual solution. Stay away from lengthy explanations about why you feel the way you do or why you do things in a certain way. Overexplaining only adds fuel to the drama and shows your in-laws that you will jump through hoops to gain their acceptance and approval.
If you struggle with people-pleasing behaviors, you will set yourself up for seething anger and resentment towards your in-laws. Be honest with yourself and get some help breaking your own dysfunctional communication patterns.
Eliminate triangulation, pick up the phone and be clear and direct.
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Meghan Fritz is a psychotherapist practicing in State College, PA. For more information visit changeyourstoryllc.com
