Do your kids forget things at home that they need for school or sports or other activities? Mine do with some frequency. Things I regularly find in the house after everyone has gone to school include winter gloves, water bottles, lunches, and homework. Or one of my boys will let me know he forgot his Chromebook or its charger, or a particular item needed for practice. Every time this happens, I’m conflicted: do I bring their things to school or don’t I??
I know that I’m not supposed to bring them their things. As certified Parent Educator Deborah Godfrey writes on her web site PositiveParenting.com, “Kids have to get the idea that if they forget something, there are consequences to that and the next time, they’ll remember it. They are not so likely to remember it if the fallback is, ‘Oh, my mom will do that for me.’ I call this a successful failure. It’s a tiny little failure and kids need failure and mistakes in their life as they grow up. It’s developmentally appropriate.”
Our own local parenting expert and licensed psychologist, Dr. Randy Cale, agrees, as he writes on his website TerrificParenting.com, “Instead of fixing every moment, allow your children to experience the disappointment that comes with a failure to be responsible. To put it simply: stop protecting them. For example, stop running home to retrieve your son’s baseball glove that he regularly forgets to bring to practice. Or, don’t bring your daughter to school late so she can use the morning to study for an exam because she ‘forgot’ to do so the previous night. In both cases, you are not preparing your children to be responsible.”
This kind of thing would normally be a no-brainer for me, not only because the experts seem to concur about what the right course of action is, which I usually find meaningful and helpful, but also because my personality tends toward being a strict mom with high standards, and I almost always favor long-term success over short-term fixes. I tend to be a big fan of learning hard lessons now so that the future is more peaceful and more successful. I want my kids to be responsible, successful, well-adjusted adults, and if doing hard things when they’re younger will help that happen, then that’s what I want to do. And on the flip side, I don’t want to ruin their futures by not requiring enough of them when they’re growing up.
But!
I also don’t want them to have to stay inside during recess because they don’t have the proper gear for playing outside. Outside recess is good and healthy, and not bringing them the gloves they left at home feels like not requiring them to brush their teeth or eat vegetables. I want my boys to take responsibility for their own things, but I’ve seen how hard it is for them to catch up when they miss schoolwork because of things that can’t be avoided, like illness (and, these days, quarantine) — and not only hard for them, but hard on the teachers as well — so if this hardship is avoidable by bringing them the homework they forget at home, then doing so feels like an act of mercy for all involved. I appreciate that being hungry will help the kids remember to bring their lunches or snacks in the future, but I worry about these growing boys and their caloric requirements, especially for my athletes, especially on days where I don’t see them from when they go to school in the morning until they get home at 8:00 that night after an away game. Etc., etc.
I really do try to take the hard line when I can. Some considerations that have helped me figure it out, situation by situation, are: how late in the day did I realize they forgot their things? If it’s near the end of the school day, I’m more likely to just leave it be. How difficult is it for me to bring their things to them? If it causes a real problem because of other commitments I have, I might consider this to be one of those days where they’re just going to have to deal with it. What was it that was left? If it was their lunch or the permission slip for the field trip due that day, I’m more likely to bring it; if it’s something that’s less problematic, I might leave it be. Who was the boy who left the thing? Some of my boys let things roll off their backs much more easily; others really freak out about not having what they need. Also, some of my boys tend to be forgetful, others don’t — if a forgetful boy forgets something, I might be less inclined to bring it to him than one of my boys who tends to do a better job remembering his things. How old is the boy who forgot something? Though they say to cultivate this kind of responsible behavior from a young age, I think a high schooler is better equipped to figure out how to manage than a Kindergartener, for example. How likely is the teacher to suffer from my boy’s forgotten thing? If I know that my son’s teacher will have an easier day if I bring in the thing he forgot, I’m more likely to bring it in.
Whew! I think this particular issue is a great example of the mental and emotional gymnastics parents often go through when trying to figure out the right thing to do, and how the solution can seem so clear from the outside-looking-in, but not at all clear when you’re in the middle of it. If nothing else, I hope my boys always know how much their mother loves them and how much I want to take care of them well and bring them up the right way.
Kate and her husband have seven sons ages 17, 15, 13, 11, 10, 7, and 3. Email her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
