WE ALL KNOW PEOPLE in our lives either personally or professionally that thrive on drama. On the surface it appears they are always looking for ways to create conflict, tension, anxiety and drama. When you dig a little deeper it is likely that these people have personality disorders that most likely stem from lack of healthy self-esteem as a child, or being raised in a home where the parents over-indulged the child and the person never learned how to be accountable for their actions.
The most common types of personality disorders are Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders. While each have their own criteria they are very closely linked together; think of them as first cousins on the family tree of personality disorders. Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish which personality disorder a person has because they usually have traits of both.
One of the biggest indicators that you are around someone with a personality disorder is not so much what they do or say as much as it is how they make you feel. Shame, guilt, confusion, and feeling completely drained of energy are the most common side effects you will experience when dealing with someone who has either of these personality disorders.
A person with a personality disorder will draw you in with charm and adoration and then find a way to expose your vulnerable side and knock you down. A conversation with someone like this feels like you are standing in the middle of a park on a beautiful sunny day and all of a sudden a tornado rips through the area with no warning- you somehow survive but your clothes are torn, you lost your shoes and you are standing there in shock trying to figure out what just happened.
You second guess your intuition and question how you could have let this happen. You start to feel your confidence disappear and guilt begins to overwhelm you.
You don’t have to live in a constant world of shame and guilt when dealing with the NPD or BPD in your life. Rather, you can maintain your peace and your power by implementing a very powerful method called the “Gray Rock Method.”
The phrase “Gray Rock Method” was first coined by blogger Skylar in this article on her website: www.180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths.
A person with NPD or BPD is always looking for drama.This is how they keep themselves feeling empowered and strong; when you remove the drama (also known as the gasoline), they can’t use their techniques of manipulation as effectively.
Essentially the Gray Rock Method is about being boring. Think of how many gray rocks you see in a day: is anything interesting about a gray rock? What keeps the personality disordered vampire using you as a victim is because you engage with them and fuel their need to engage in a battle. They need you to enhance their self-esteem and keep them in the dysfunctional game; when you implement the gray rock technique you are boring and uninteresting.
Here are some examples of how to gray rock the toxic person in your life:
EXAMPLE 1:
Dealing with a toxic partner:
NPD/BPD: Why are you late? Are you cheating on me?
Engaging Response: Of course I’m not cheating on you, how could you say that?
Gray Rock Response: Traffic, do you want chicken for dinner?
By shutting down the accusation you refuse to engage in a discussion where the personality disordered partner will attack and you will defend. Even if you prove your innocence today, tomorrow the score is back to zero. A NPD/BPD partner will always need your constant approval and attention to feel validated. When you stop engaging in the exhausting dynamic and Gray Rock them, they will find their validation elsewhere.
EXAMPLE 2:
Dealing with a toxic colleague:
NPD/BPD: How was your weekend? Did you get in another fight with your neighbor?
Engaging Response: You won’t believe what happened, listen to this….
Gray Rock Response: Great, I painted the basement.
A toxic colleague will want to know every detail of your personal life so they can file it away and save it to use against you when they need it. They will gossip to other co-workers about you and expose your most vulnerable secrets veiled in the form of being a “good friend.” Don’t take the bait, keep it so boring that you they will stop talking to you altogether.
EXAMPLE 3:
Dealing with a toxic parent:
NPD/BPD: Are you coming for dinner this weekend? Your father and I never see you anymore. I guess your friends are more important than we are.
Engaging Response: You always do this to me, you guilt trip me into spending all my free time with you. I have a life you know!
Gray Rock Response: I can’t this weekend, I’m swamped at work.
A toxic parent will use guilt to draw you into spending every free minute with them. Keep your responses concrete without details of plans at all times. The more details you give the more they will be used against you.
In an ideal world the best way to deal with an NPD/BPD person in your life is to cut off all contact. If you share children with someone like this, work with them. Have a sibling or parent with a personality disorder? No contact may not be an option. The Gray Rock Method is a way to protect yourself from the exhausting cycle of dysfunction. The more boring you become the less exciting you are as a victim. If you think you may be dealing with someone in your life that has a personality disorder, immediately start to use this method and watch what happens.
Initially they may become enraged that you refuse to engage, but eventually, in most cases they will tire of your boring responses and move on to a fresh, interesting victim who will unknowingly fill their tank.
For a more in-depth discussion on the Gray Rock Method refer to: www.180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths.
Meghan Fritz is a psychotherapist practicing in State College, PA. For more information email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
