I remember the day well.We packed the car, pulled down the driveway and drove ten hours to the University I would spend the next four years at. My childhood friends, the ones I had known since elementary school and graduated high school with stood at the end of the driveway waving and I waved back until I lost sight of them.
I was quiet in the backseat and felt my stomach turn with anxiety about this milestone event taking place in the next chapter of my life.
We arrived on a hot humid day and took our place in line as enthusiastic volunteers unloaded the car and walked up the four flights of stairs to my what would be my new home. My Mom organized my room the same way she kept our childhood home, meticulously. My Dad tried to be useful by making sure I had extension cords and that the mini-fridge worked. The three of us worked together quietly and none of us mentioned the lump we had in our throats or the pit we had in our stomachs.
When my bed was made and my twinkle lights were up, we walked slowly back to the car. I tried to be brave, but I could feel the tears starting to stream down my face. My Mom grabbed my hand and our faces contorted into what we all know as the ugly cry.
We stood in front of the car our faces red and tear-stained half-sobbing, half-laughing hysterically at this intense display of emotion. My Dad wrapped us up in a hug and said, “We got this, it’s going to be okay.” Little did I know ten hours later he would walk into the backyard, sit on his favorite bench tucked between the trees and cry. This bench is now known as the family wailing bench and it’s where my Dad went to cry after drop offs to college and weddings.
The launch. While this is an exciting time in your family it can flood you with a tsunami of emotions ranging from joy, pride and excitement to paralyzing anxiety and overwhelming sadness. How do you navigate this new phase in your family’s life? What’s the key to getting through this transition easily
and effortlessly?
The secret is there is no secret! It’s glorious, painful and heart wrenching for everyone involved. It’s messy and awkward and can take months to years to adjust to the new normal.
One of the best gifts you can give yourself during this transition is radical acceptance. Too often we force ourselves to be brave, toughen up and get through tough times with our shoulders back and chin up. Stop being a robot! Accept and admit that this is a challenging, vulnerable time in your life and that you need a hug!
While it’s great to find a new hobby, take on a project or plan to travel to cope with your child away at school, the fact is you will still miss them. Resist the urge to force yourself out of the sadness and embrace your emotions with acceptance and kindness.
That first month at school I called home every night. For the first few weeks my Mom would answer the phone and neither one of us could speak because we were crying. It was and continues to be a testament to our connection and relationship. Eventually we both got through it and we found a new normal. But I still get that same lump in my throat when I say goodbye after a family visit.
It’s okay to ugly cry and be a mess. It’s okay to want your child to live with you forever. It’s okay to want to get a job as the RA on their floor. Take a deep breath, you can do this. And if you don’t think you can, that’s okay too.
Take care of yourself, ask for what you need and embrace the mess of emotions.
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Meghan Fritz is a psychotherapist practicing in State College, PA. For more information visit Changeyourstoryllc.com and enter code Saratoga Today.
