Did you know there’s an organization with a .gov web site called “National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse”?
I sometimes get the feeling from my newsfeed and social media that terms like “mother” and “father” are increasingly considered by some to be outmoded and insensitive — characteristics that the U.S. government doesn’t want to be associated with — and yet, this organization has a .gov address! A .gov URL is considered to signify “trustworthy” and “legitimate” and “unbiased” for those writing academic papers (high school and college students are taught that when using the internet for their research papers, .gov web sites are “good” sources). Indeed, the web site for the National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse web site (fatherhood.gov) says that it’s “an official U.S. Government Web site managed by the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services” and that the organization itself is “an Office of Family Assistance (OFA) funded national resource for fathers, practitioners, programs/Federal grantees, states, and the public at-large who are serving or interested in supporting strong fathers and families.”
I’m definitely interested in supporting strong fathers and families! I’m sure it’s no surprise to you that I spend a great amount of time in mothers-only or mothers-predominate arenas (literature, online sites, my daily goings-on with my kids) and will defend with my dying breath the need for mothers, but I want you to know that I feel the same way about fathers!
One of the things I loved reading on fatherhood.gov is that research shows “fathers tend to be more involved in play than mothers.” I fully admit this is true in our house! Additionally, “they tend to play differently than mothers do — engaging in more physical and challenging games and encouraging independence and risk-taking.” Again, true in our house! It reminds me of a funny story from when my biggest boys were tiny: we were visiting one of my dear friends from college, and her mother was there, too, whom I love. My husband was playing outside with our boys and my friend’s mom got my attention in a conspiratorial sort of way and said with a straight face while chopping vegetables in the kitchen, being careful not to look at me while she was saying it, something like, “I just want to let you know your husband is tossing your son in the air.” Or something like that! I can’t remember the exact details now, fifteen years later, but it made me laugh so hard at the time and it has made me laugh all these years — I loved every detail of that interaction, how she was so serious about letting me know that my husband was playing far too roughly with the boys, and how she even made it seem like she was risking it all to pass along this vital information. It is true, though, that my boys and their dad love doing things that I would never feel comfortable doing.
Another thing I loved reading on the site is that “[p]ositive father involvement has been associated again and again with better social, emotional, and cognitive outcomes for children at all ages. … it is correlated with higher self-esteem, emotional security, academic achievement, school readiness, and math and verbal skills.” Read that again, Dads: it is important and necessary for your kids’ well-being for you to be there, and for you to be a good father. “Present” and “good.”
We all know “present” isn’t always possible for a variety of reasons, and even “good” can be defined in different ways that are “shaped by cultural and demographic factors,” as the web site noted, which is important to remember. Fatherhood.gov offers “positive engagement” (“direct interaction with children, including caregiving and activities”), “accessibility” (“availability to children”), and “responsibility” (“participation in decision-making and ensuring that children are cared for”) as three ways in which dads can and should be involved with their children whenever possible.
We all also know that there are many children who are growing up and have grown up without a good and present father, my own husband being one of them. His dad, who was a wonderful man by all accounts, died when my husband was too small to really remember what it was like to have a dad around, and his mom did a bang-up job teaching him how to be a good man and father, so I can see all is not lost when the ideal isn’t met. But that doesn’t mean it’s not important to strive for the ideal! Men: try your hardest, within your circumstances and your abilities, to give your children the best possible chance at a healthy and successful life. I’m beyond grateful that my dad did so for my siblings and me, and that my husband is doing so for our children.
In an article from 2000 — one that would no longer pass muster in academic writing, unfortunately, because it was published too long ago, but which I thought still offered some good things — Stephen Duncan, Ph.D., a Family & Human Development Specialist associated with Montana State University Extension Service, wrote in an article entitled “The Importance of Fathers” that fathers are not “optional family baggage” and that there “is a clear message out there: Dad, you ought to be a more nurturing and involved father and Mom, you need to let Dad get involved.” I will absolutely toast to all that, and I hope all you good dads have a very happy Father’s Day!
Kate and her husband have seven sons ages 18, 16, 14, 13, 11, 9, and 4. Email her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
