Making Every Day Valentine’s Day - Tapping Into The Transformative Power Of LOVE

Happy Valentine’s Day! The day we set aside once a year to celebrate the many ways love comes into our lives. A day to take pause and let your honey bunny know you still have the sweet sizzle for them. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great to go all out on V day and get lost in the sugar rush and the pink hearts all you can eat buffet, but I have to ask the question, “Why can’t we take time daily to nurture our romantic relationships?” Here it is peeps: I think people have become shockingly lazy when it comes to their relationships. Day after day I work with couples who come in at the 11th hour desperate to find the magic formula to bring back the spark. They appear tired, frustrated and hopeless. The only spark between them is one of resentment and bitterness. The first question I usually ask is how often the couple spends quality time together, aka, “date night.” Let me be clear, quality time together is defined as: time without children or conversations about finances, a leaky roof or the broken snow blower. This is a time that is dedicated to reconnecting, having some fun and keeping the spark alive. The typical response I usually receive to this question is an eye roll and a sarcastic answer that goes something like, “Quality time together? We have children and a home to take care of and jobs to do, we can’t even afford to have a date. What kind of shrink are you? You must be crazy!” This is usually the time in the session when the couple joins together in shared animosity for me and decides I am delusional. And Viola, it is the same scenario each time. Marriage. Children. Work. Stress. Schedule. More stress. More work. Strangers. Time of death: usually 10 to 15 years depending on the couple. Wake up people! Don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to make time for romance and love. Make an effort daily to nurture your relationship and watch the tension melt away day by day. The difference between people who have solid relationships over mediocre is one word: effort. Would you ever leave the house without brushing your teeth? (Side note: if the answer is, “Yes,” call me right away). You take a little time daily to make the effort to take care of yourself. You do it because it’s part of the daily routine of life. Make nurturing your relationship a habit that you routinely honor. I am going to ask you to take the “Love Challenge” and do one thing a day to nurture your relationship. If you are not in a romantic relationship, you can do this exercise by nurturing your own precious heart and soul. The “Love Challenge” is this: take the time at the end of each day to look into the eyes of the one you adore (or yourself!) and tell them one thing you appreciate about them. This means without the distraction of the phone, TV, computer, pets, video games or children. Too often the day-to-day business leaves us looking into the eyes of the one we adore and letting them know the garbage needs to be taken out and the mortgage is due. Snoresville, USA: population YOU. Don’t let your relationship be all about business. Kick it up a notch and let the fire between you burn instead of smolder. In addition to letting your partner know what you appreciate about them daily, check in with them about their needs. One of the first homework assignments I give in couples counseling is to ask the question, “What do you need from me today?” This takes the guess work out of trying to please your partner and helps you focus on what you really need. The answers can be simple. “I need you to be positive today. I need you to start dinner. I need to go to the gym. I need a hug.” This simple exercise gets you in the flow of communicating, identifying your needs and honoring the needs of your partner. You don’t get to be angry with each other if you have not stated clearly what you need. This simple question can bring amazing clarity to a relationship that is stale and lifeless. Taking the time to appreciate one another and communicate our needs daily has the power to transform your relationship. When we feel appreciated and heard we feel more motivated, secure, lighter and inspired. Love gives us the power to do better and stand taller. Why celebrate love one day a year when you can celebrate it every day of the year. Listen closely; the secret is there is no secret. It takes a daily effort and commitment to keep your relationship alive, healthy and interesting. This Valentine’s Day take the “Love Challenge” to acknowledge your partner or yourself daily with praise and adoration. This daily dose of love can be taken at bedtime with or without food. Side effects are: Peace, passion, joy, increased mojo and an abundance of love. Don’t wait one day a year to honor your loved ones. Remember, a little effort goes a long way. Wishing you an abundance of love this Valentine’s Day and every day! Ms. Lemery is a psychotherapist practicing in Glens Falls and Saratoga Springs. For more information email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or visit meghanlemery.com