Learning to Speak Your Truth
Do you suffer from anxiety? Do you often wonder why you are always anxious and uneasy? Do you find yourself unable to relax and feel as though you are disconnected from everything around you?
While most say this is an anxiety issue, I say this is more of a feeling problem. People who suffer from extreme anxiety are usually unable to process and express feelings in a healthy way that leads them to problem resolution.
Anxiety is the body’s way of letting us know we have to express our feelings more clearly. When we avoid our feelings and let them build up over time we will likely start to experience anxiety in every day life. This avoidance sounds the alarm system in our bodies to let us know we are out of balance and that we need to stop and examine our feelings.
For many people the concept of processing feelings more deeply can be a very uncomfortable topic. Expressing your feelings can lead to feeling very vulnerable and weak. If you were never taught to express your feelings in an open, honest, direct manner than it can be a terrifying experience to do as an adult.
When we avoid the truth whether it is to ourselves or to others we will experience an undercurrent of anxiety. If the avoidance continues the anxiety can grow into experiencing panic attacks or developing a phobia.
Don’t settle to live with anxiety, stop and get to the root of your feelings.
Whenever you start to feel the anxiety creep in, stop and go deeper. Ask yourself what you are feeling in that moment. It can sometimes help to sit down with a pen and paper and write down words to describe what you are feeling. For example, scared, sad, hopeless, hurt, uncomfortable.
When you investigate the anxiety on a deeper level you can get to the root of the issue and move forward in a more peaceful state.
Many people who suffer from anxiety tend to be people pleasers. They work very hard to make sure everyone else is comfortable and happy and they simply ignore their needs and wants. This self abandonment leads to anxiety and anger that develops into a passive aggressive personality.
People pleasers tend to be very uncomfortable stating what they want and what they need. They say yes when they mean no and instead of being direct they act out in passive aggressive ways to let you know that they are not happy.
If you are someone who falls into this category recognize that nobody wins when you put yourself last. You denying your truth does not protect people from being disappointed it only leads to chaos in your relationships.
When we develop the people pleasing personality we somehow learned that our feelings were not valuable. Perhaps the root is growing up in a dysfunctional household where you had to bend over backwards to please a difficult self-absorbed parent. Perhaps you live with a spouse who has a mood disorder and you find yourself walking on egg shells to keep the peace.
While in the moment this tactic may work, over time you will feel exhausted, anxious, angry and hopeless. Do not accommodate someone else’s dysfunction at the sake of your health emotionally, physically and spiritually. Learn to communicate directly and honestly regardless of how the other person reacts.
The price you pay for trying to keep the peace only leads to a bigger problem down the road.
I have worked with many individuals who state, “I hate conflict, I will do anything to avoid it.” What this means on a deeper level is I will deny my truth and twist what I believe to avoid any discomfort. While you may think this is a really wonderful personality characteristic, it is a quality that will only lead to greater conflict and again, drama in all areas of your life.
Conflict avoiders walk around with tremendous anxiety because they never really feel comfortable stating their feelings in a clear direct way.
Remember, while it may be uncomfortable, the best way to truly avoid conflict is to state how you feel in a direct way. While the other person may not like what you have to say, they will no where you stand.
One of the first things my new husband and I had an issue with was people pleasing. I would ask him if he wanted to go to the store with me, or see a movie, or go out for dinner. He would respond yes, if that’s what you want. Then he would act like he would rather be watching paint dry.
He wanted to make me happy and was afraid to tell me he would rather do something else (people pleasing).
We made a rule that he has to say no when he doesn’t want to watch Lifetime movies all day or discuss deep burning emotional issues. He really is getting good at this; the other day he told me what he really wanted was to watch the game for a few hours in silence uninterrupted. While this was pretty much torture for me, I respect him telling me clearly what he wants and what he needs.
His desire to please me and let go of his own needs and wants only led to more conflict and confusion. While I hate to shut my mouth and be put in time out, I recognize his needs being met make him a better partner in every way.
Remember, anxiety is always a sign that you are overriding your feelings and most likely trying to please others and avoid conflict. Don’t wait for your relationships to fall apart or for your body to shut down, get the help you need to learn how to process your feelings and communicate directly.
Write down your feelings, talk to a therapist, read books on how to get comfortable owning and stating your truth. Have a strategy in place to help you learn the skills to live a life of peace and truth-anxiety free!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Wishing you uninterrupted game time today and always!
Meghan Lemery Fritz is a psychotherapist practicing at Sunpointe Health in State College, PA. For more information email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
