The dating game can be an exhausting, fear filled experience that leaves you feeling discouraged and hopeless. Having good boundaries and tools to navigate the nuances of the dating world are key to dating from a place of confidence versus fear.
The first thing you have to have when you decide to get out there and mingle is a thick skin. Do not take rejection personally, rather, recognize that finding the right person for you means that you like yourself and think you are a great catch. If someone doesn’t return your call or rejects your offer for a date, give a prayer of thanks knowing that you are one step closer to meeting the person that IS the right one for you.
Do not drive yourself crazy analyzing why someone didn’t call you or want to see you again; simply give yourself a pat on the back for being so brave and awesome and MOVE ON.
You are not desperate and you don’t have to settle. Before you get an online profile or put yourself out there, do the work you need to do to like and accept yourself. This is the BEST gift you could ever give yourself and your future partner. Dating with confidence means that you really love and accept yourself. You know who you are, what your gifts and talents are and what areas you are focusing on to grow and learn. You aren’t afraid to be yourself and you will not alter who you are to accommodate someone else. Make the commitment to love and honor yourself so that you can date with confidence.
If you have low self-esteem and are struggling with deep seated issues of self-loathing, do not start dating. Get the help you need to heal so that you can be the partner you want to be. When you date from a place of fear and desperation, you will attract the wrong people into your life and the cycle will continue until you learn to treat yourself with respect, kindness and love.
Intuition is key during the dating process. Trust your inner GPS to guide you and alert you if something seems off with a potential partner. Never override your intuition to accommodate someone else’s dysfunction.
I work with many individuals who say they have trust issues. Often times they are told by the person they are dating they are “crazy” or have a trust issue. More often than not it’s not you with the issue, it is your intuition trying to get your attention and alert you that the person is not being honest with you. Trust your intuition over someone else’s opinion of you.
If you are seeing someone who has an ex-spouse and talks despairingly about their ex, pay attention. Never spend time with someone who spends more time talking about their past than their present. Someone who is stuck in the past is a sign that the person is emotionally unavailable and unable to be a healthy partner.
Anytime someone talks about their ex and refers to them as “crazy” is usually a red flag. This is often a sign that the person has some crazy traits in them as well. A mature, stable, emotionally available person will not give you all the gory details of their past break up. They will simply say it didn’t work out and move on. Don’t make the mistake of wasting your time with someone who is bitter about their past.
Another red flag to be aware of is the “nice guy.” If someone consistently tells you, “I’m a good guy, you’ll see…” this is usually a sign that they have manipulative qualities and most likely an anger issue. An authentic genuine person has no need to convince you they are good, they simply prove it in their everyday actions. A person that feels the need to tell you how wonderful they are usually has some sort of agenda and they will put pressure on you to get what they want.
A great way to get a sense of someone’s character is to pay attention to how they treat wait staff. I can remember going on a date with someone who ordered a bottle of wine. He rudely told the waiter it was spoiled, then proceeded to order a different bottle and send that back as well. The waiter tried to politely explain that the wine was fine and my date stood up from the table and demanded the dinner be comped. Needless to say, there was not a second date.
People will reveal to you what kind of character they have if you pay attention closely. Don’t be so preoccupied with making a good impression that you forget to evaluate if the person has a solid character. Pay attention to how they treat others and how they talk about their friends and family. This will help you identify red flags quickly and easily.
The dating scene can be very stressful and exhausting. Make sure you keep a sense of humor and don’t take yourself too seriously. Recognize it takes courage to put yourself out there. Have fun and don’t second guess yourself or overanalyze every piece of the date. Trust yourself to be able to know who is a good catch and who you need to walk away from. Know that you are worthy of a healthy, loving, emotionally available partner. Don’t spend another minute doubting yourself and putting yourself down. Make the decision today that you will, above all else, commit to loving and accepting yourself, imperfections and all. You don’t have to be perfect, but commit to being YOU perfectly!
You are worth it!
Meghan Lemery Fritz is a psychotherapist practicing in State College, PA.
