How are you feeling these days? Are you stressed out and overwhelmed? Do you find yourself annoyed and frustrated at the same people, places and things over and over and over again?
Do you remember the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? He lives the same day over and over and over and over again in frustration, anger and exhaustion. When he finally comes to accept the circumstances of his life and confront the problem, he begins to enjoy his life and POOF, he wakes up to a NEW DAY. I think, for most of us, we all have a little bit of Groundhog Day within us. Rather than fix the problem, we want to dwell in the circumstances that bring us down and keep us anchored in unhappiness. Let’s face it, dwelling in our problems and never focusing on the solution keeps the drama alive and well.
The key to problem solving is to identify the problem and move on toward a strategy for a solution. Without a strategy we stay stuck in the quicksand of the circumstances that are causing us stress and anxiety.
Step 1 — IDENTIFY THE PROBLEM:
It’s the same scenario every year, your mother-in-law shows up at the latest family gathering and makes friendly “suggestions” about your cooking skills. You go to bed with your mind racing of all the things you will say to her next time you see her and dial your bestie to let her know how offended and hurt you are by your mother-in-law’s actions. If you feel anxious, frustrated, upset and drained, there is a problem that needs to be identified. Be clear about the problem and take responsibility for your feelings about the circumstances that are upsetting to you. Give yourself five minutes to be emotional and vent and move on to effective problem solving.
Step 2 — KNOW
YOUR OPTIONS:
Your mother-in-law is who she is, and the truth is, you have three options to work with.
— Accept her for who she is and make a personal decision to not let her rattle your cage. Realize that people who criticize others are coming from a place of insecurity and it is not a personal attack on you. Hurt people hurt people, you don’t have to take it personally.
— Confront her in a calm, clear, honest and direct way to let her now how you feel about her “suggestions.”
— Continue the cycle of insanity in which you react with complete shock and horror when she dishes out her suggestions. Then, complain to all of your family and friends and continue the drama over and over and over again, aka GROUNDHOG DAY!
The great thing about solving a problem is there are always options. Once you identify the problem, give yourself room to sort out the options and trust your instincts to lead you in the right direction. What works for some may not work for others so pick the option that works best for YOU.
Step 3 — TAKE ACTION:
This is where the rubber meets the road. You’ve identified the problem and listed your options and now it’s time to take action. This is the hardest step. The truth is, most of us like the drama of our problems and the thought of actually moving forward and addressing our issues can make us feel like we will lose our victim identity. If you patch things up with your mother-in-law what will you talk to your best friend about? Sometimes we keep our problems close to us because they give us an identity and lots of attention.
If you start to move on to the action phase of solutions and feel anxious, recognize that this is very normal and a part of the process.
Talk it out with someone you trust and let them know how uncomfortable you are about taking action. Get the support you need to step out of the quicksand of dwelling on the problem.
Resist the urge to go back to step one and dwell on the problem. This only creates drama and increased anxiety.
Don’t live in Groundhog Day one more minute! You deserve to be happy and free of the drama in your life. Identify the problem, know your options and take action!
Wishing you solution based living today and every day!
Meghan Fritz is a psychotherapist practicing in State College, PA.
