AS THE MOM OF A TWO-YEAR-OLD, I am finding myself in a different season of parenting.  The first year is about the basics of learning the ropes of how to care for a tiny person and helping them thrive in terms of good sleep and eating regularly. I wore Charlie in a baby wrap constantly and he slept and cooed and even though I never thought I would sleep again, I got through it and find myself in a brand new season of parenthood. 

I am knee deep in the “Terrific Two’s” and experimenting what form of modeling/teaching works best.  Every book or article I read says the same thing over and over.  Be consistent, show no emotion and do NOT over explain. For example, you don’t over explain to a two-year-old why they can’t put their finger in an electrical socket, you simply say “NO” and redirect without emotion. 

 If I said, “Charlie, please don’t put your finger in that electrical socket because you could get hurt and make Mommy very sad” instead of direct, it sounds like an emotional shame fueled explanation with a side of guilt.  How confusing would that be to a toddler? 

I think this clear, direct, non-emotional way of modeling and explaining can apply to parenting a toddler or having a tough conversation with a family member, friend, teen, or colleague. It really doesn’t matter what season of life you are in, the most effective way to communicate is clearly and directly without having to do a power point presentation on why you feel the way you do.

So often I work with individuals who feel the need to over explain and justify their feelings and shrink back from being direct. This pattern of communication can leave you feeling constantly full of guilt and overwhelmed; stuck in a pattern of saying Yes when you really want to say No.

The two phrases I hear the most when people fall into this pattern of people-pleasing communication and over explaining are, “I’m sorry but” or “I feel bad but.”

Let’s go back to the example of talking to a toddler. “I feel really bad but I have to say NO and tell you to please get your finger out of the socket.” Why would we feel bad about keeping a child safe from something that could harm them?

When you say “I’m sorry but” or “I feel bad but” the translation of that statement is this:

“I’m sorry I am putting myself first, I usually never do because I have low self-esteem and I feel really bad about it because this probably seems selfish so I feel the need to over-explain why I need to say no. Are you mad at me?”

If you find yourself using “I’m sorry and I feel bad,” practice saying No in a clear, direct, non-emotional way. A few examples of this are:

“No, that won’t work for me, but I could do the following week.”

“Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m not interested in joining.”

“I’m uncomfortable with your tone, and I’m unwilling to participate in this conversation/meeting until you calm down.”

Here is what I have found to be true in the Terrific Two phase of child rearing. The less emotional I am in redirecting behavior the quicker my son is to change the behavior.  When I become visibly frustrated, or my face contorts into a half-cry/half-sob, calgon take me away commercial, Charlie knows we are negotiating and Mommy will likely give in. 

Do not negotiate your self-care and your feelings.  Do not over explain why your No is your no.  Practice clear, direct non-emotional communication and watch how you start to feel less anxious and guilty. 

Remember, we would never over-explain to a toddler why they can’t cross the street without looking, touch a hot stove or play in traffic. The No is clear and firm. Do not compromise your emotional safety to accommodate someone else. Be clear, direct, firm and consistent.

YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Meghan Fritz is a psychotherapist practicing in State College, PA. For more information email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..