“Mothering Boys”

I recently read an article that contained the phrase “soiling the nest,” which caught my eye because it was used to explain behavior by college-bound kids the summer before their freshman year. Since I’m currently in one of those summers, as I was two years ago and will be again every two years going forward until the end of time (or so it seems), behavior that is common enough among that group to have a term attached to it is interesting to me. As I understood it, this particular term is used to explain difficult behavioral issues that might pop up or increase in the college-bound child during that final summer at home. I imagine it can be used to describe similar issues in any person of that age, college bound or not — any person on the cusp of a new life and all that that means; any person who is closing a door on all that he or she ever knew. These behaviors might be the person’s way of dealing with this new life transition — “soiling” what’s left behind as a way of making it easier to leave behind. 

Funny enough, when I read that, it wasn’t my own kids that came to mine, but me myself! I distinctly remember going through something like this when I was their age. I’m not even sure my parents would agree with me on this point — I was blessed with a basically easy temperament and I really didn’t cause my parents trouble, but I do remember feeling “itchy” both before heading to college and before getting married. This “itchiness” was definitely a mix of terror and sadness at leaving behind beloved and comfortable stages of my life on the one hand, and terror and eagerness to see what the next stage would bring. I wanted all the benefits of being grown up without actually being grown up. This tension often made me feel annoyed, irritated, and more impatient than usual with the people closest to me. I mostly just wanted to be left alone — I didn’t want to deal with the inescapable demands of relationships, nor the responsibilities that come with being a member of a household, nor even the responsibilities of having a job. Mostly, I wanted to sleep. I’ve always worked through things in my mind while sleeping, and when I’m feeling very overwhelmed, I start to feel very tired, like I can’t keep my eyes open. “Wake me when it’s over!” might be an accurate way of explaining what my mind and body start yelling when things get stressful.

I haven’t really seen “soiling the nest” from my college boys, but this idea of “working through things” in various ways is definitely something I’ve noticed. I remember during the summer before my oldest left for college, he amped up his running. He’d always been a runner — he ran Cross Country and track in high school and kept it up during the off seasons as well — but that summer I saw a new intensity. Before, his normal might have been to run a few miles every other day or so. Sometimes he’d do every day. He wouldn’t usually run more than five miles at a time, though once a week or so he’d throw in a long run. But that summer, it seemed to me that he was averaging ten miles a day, every single day. He would just *go* and I wouldn’t see him for hours. He’d run the three miles from our house to the state park as a warmup, then run a couple varsity loops (about three miles each), then run home as a cool down — and sometimes go out again later for another run! From the outside, he just looked like any committed runner, but I could practically see the wheels turning in his head, fueling his runs. His mind was using his legs to try to work through it all. I knew that he’d made the transition to college and adjusted well when he stopped running so much later that fall and winter.

My second boy isn’t a runner, but I see his mind churning through things as well. He’s taking a lot of walks — long walks alone in addition to nightly walks with his dad. I’m seeing an increase in computer time — earbuds in, computer open in front of him, often laughing out loud at whatever YouTube video he just watched. I’m seeing an increase in a desire to avoid talking about anything to do with college — no, he doesn’t want to weigh in on towel colors; no, he doesn’t know what kind of school supplies he’d like; no, he doesn’t want to print out his fall schedule. I’m seeing an increase in sleepiness and general exhaustion — just like his mama. It’s killing him to hear of things his brothers will be doing in the fall that he won’t be here for, and he is not happy that we keep telling him he can’t come home every weekend. At the same time, though, he definitely feels like high school is a thing of the past. 

If it weren’t the summer before college, these kinds of behaviors would be concerning to me, and you can be sure I’ll keep an eye on them to make sure that they even out once he gets acclimated to school, but all summer I’ve been thinking about how there are documented summer-before-college changes in behavior — some of which have been called “soiling the nest” — and I remember my own out-of-character behavior from that time, and my oldest running his heart out, and I assure myself this is a necessary part of the process. It’s not easy growing up! 

It’s not easy growing up for kids, and it’s not easy for mamas, either. That’s a common back-to-school thought, though, isn’t it?! I hope this new school year and all the new growing-up things that come with it go as peacefully as possible for all of you and your little ones.

Kate and her husband have seven sons ages 19, 18, 16, 14, 12, 10, and 5. Email her at kmtowne23@gmail.com.

Legal Matters to Consider for Young Adults

With August now upon us, parents of college students are busy planning for their return to academic life in the coming weeks.  We all have our checklists – dorm fridge, sheets and towels, backpack, laptop – but how about their legal affairs?

When your child was a minor (under the age of 18 in New York) you were their parent and natural guardian.  When you took them to the doctor, the doctor would speak to you and you made their health care decisions.  When they wanted to open an account at the bank, you went with them and you were the co-signer.  Now that they are over 18 and a legal adult, the world has changed.

Below is a set of questions and answers to address the legal challenges of assisting your returning college student with their legal affairs.

What legal documents should my college student have?

They should have a power of attorney (POA), a health care proxy, and a health care information authorization, at a minimum.  Also – depending on their particular financial circumstances, they may need a Will.

Why should they have a POA?

They should have a POA for the same reason that all adults should have a POA.  It will allow them to choose someone they trust to handle their financial affairs, if they cannot do so themselves.  Temporary or permanent disability could occur to anyone, and if it does, you want to make sure you have a POA in place to ensure your financial affairs are handled properly.

Who should they choose as a POA agent?

Typically, they would choose one or both of their parents or another close family member or friend.  Under New York law, the agent will also have to sign the POA document.

Why should they have a Health Care Proxy?

As with a POA, they should have a Health Care Proxy for the same reason that all adults should have a Health Care Proxy.  It will allow them to choose someone that they trust to handle their health care decision making for them, if they cannot do so themselves.  The Health Care Proxy only takes effect if they cannot make their own health care decisions.

Who should they pick as Health Care Proxy agent?

As with a POA, they would typically choose one or both of their parents or another close family member or friend.  With a Health Care Proxy, you cannot choose two people to act together, i.e. you cannot choose Mom and Dad.  They will have to choose one first and the other second.  Of course, this does not mean that Mom and Dad will not discuss and decide things together – presumably they would.

Why should they have a health care information authorization?

Now that they are adults, the health care providers at their college will need their authorization to speak with their parents or other trusted family or friends about their medical care.  Generally speaking, they would want those people to be able to access their health care information and be part of their support team if they needed medical assistance.

What other health issues are important?

It is also important to make sure your child has appropriate health care insurance coverage for the state where your child will attend school.  Their college will usually require proof of your coverage or require you to pay for separate health care coverage that the school provides.

Should they have a Will?

That really depends on the financial circumstances and wishes of your college student.  If they do not have a Will, any assets they own in their name only will pass on to their closest relatives pursuant to the laws of intestacy, if they die.  In New York, if we presume that the student is unmarried and has no children, the laws of intestacy provide that their assets go to their parents. If they have no surviving parents, their assets go to their siblings.  If they have no parents or siblings, their assets go to more distant blood relatives.

Does a Will cover all of their assets?

No.  Their Will would not cover any assets they own jointly with someone else or which are payable to a named beneficiary.  For example, if they have a joint bank account with their mother, that account will go to their mother if they die.  As an additional example, if they have a life insurance policy on their life payable to their father, the death benefit on that policy will go to their father if they die.

As you are putting together your back-to-school checklist for your returning college student, it would be a good idea to add the following: POA, health care proxy, health care authorization, and possibly a Will.  If all of these documents are in place, you will be prepared if unforeseen financial or health care challenges occur during the upcoming academic year.

Matthew J. Dorsey, Esq. is a Shareholder with O’Connell and Aronowitz, 1 Court Street, Saratoga Springs, NY. Over his twenty-seven years of practice, he has focused in the areas of elder law, estate planning, and estate administration. Mr. Dorsey can be reached at (518)584-5205, mdorsey@oalaw.com and www.oalaw.com.    

I wrote about our daily summer schedule in a column twelve years ago. I remember so clearly the day that inspired me to institute the schedule — it was the last day of school, which was a half day; I had just come home from picking my school boys up from school (at that time it was just my older two, who had just finished second grade and Kindergarten); in addition to them, I had a three-year-old, two-year-old, and five-month-old; everyone was going bananas and I felt like I was losing my mind. And it wasn’t even the first full day of summer vacation! That day I put together a daily schedule that I stuck to pretty closely all summer: the kids that were old enough went outside in the yard after breakfast until lunchtime, followed by quick baths, then lunch, then inside playing/read-aloud/errands until naptime, then dinner prep, dinner, after-dinner playing, and bedtime. It saved me that summer, and many summers since.

Our summertime daily schedule has changed in some big ways since then, since the big boys have summer jobs and I work part-time in the summer and the little ones are old enough that I don’t need them to be outside all morning for me to get things done. Some other things going on in our summers that we didn’t have back then include swimming lessons, visits to the lake, and getting my older two ready to go to college at the end of the summer.

But there are several things I do still try to enforce, for all ages as much as possible (though my oldest is an adult and my second will be shortly), that hearken back to those early days. One is cultivating boredom. The experts all say it’s a good idea for kids to be bored with some regularity. In an article on the Child Mind Institute web site called “The Benefits of Boredom,” author Gia Miller reveals that boredom “helps kids build tolerance of less-than-ideal experiences … develop planning strategies, problem-solving skills, flexibility and organizational skills … [and] fosters creativity, self-esteem and original thinking.” (https://childmind.org/article/the-benefits-of-boredom/) Even if the experts didn’t say so, I would say so, since I’ve seen over and over again that being bored leads my kids to engage in more imaginative and more creative play, and leads them to be able to entertain themselves better, which, in addition to helping them become more capable kids, was so important for me all those years when I had a small baby who needed me more than the bigger kids. 

Another thing I still encourage (more than require at this point) is outside time. My big boys get enough, between their outdoor jobs and outdoor sports, and we go to our favorite lake a lot during the summer, which often means full days of fresh air and sunshine (my youngest fell asleep on the couch two minutes after coming in at the end of such a day recently, such good exhaustion!), but I often still shoo the younger boys out to the yard when I’m trying to get something done inside and they’re underfoot. I’m usually met with complaints — “It’s too hot!” “It’s too buggy!” “There’s nothing to doooo!” — and they might spend a good few minutes when they first get out there draped all over the porch step or the ground as if they had no energy to do anything, or (worse) coming back in to ask twenty times if they can come in yet, but it doesn’t take long before they’re playing and climbing and getting dirty.

Another thing I insist upon during the summer is restricted screen time (by which I mean personal screens: video games and computers [that kind of usage isn’t allowed on the phones]; we all enjoy shared TV time and movies). My general rule about video games is one hour per weekend day per child (which, admittedly, often turns into extra turns and bonus turns, sometimes attached to having done extra chores, sometimes to just have some peaceful time for Mom and Dad!), but during the school year I never waver on my ban on them during the week. Monday through Thursday there are no video games allowed. During the summer, I’m a little more flexible, as rainy days can be especially hard. My middle- through high school boys also have their own devices for school, which I do allow them to use during the week, though the rule is no more than one hour per day. I find this to be much harder to monitor, and I often catch a boy on his computer who says, “Ummm … I don’t know?” when I ask how long he’s been on it. But I’m consoled by the fact that just having the mindset of restricted screen time results in far more restricted screen time than we would have if I didn’t have this mindset. 

I also make a lot of time for reading. The big boys have summer reading requirements for school, and there are a few books I’ll read aloud: Charlotte’s Web and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for my littlest guy (and anyone else who wants to listen), Harry Potter and Wonder for the bigger kids. Once we’ve finished a book that has a movie, we’ll watch the movie, which is always a nice way to end one story and move on to another. Though I start every summer reading Charlotte’s Web, this was the first summer my youngest was old enough to pay attention all the way through and really *get* the storyline and details. When we watched the movie and Charlotte waved goodbye to Wilbur for the last time at the end of the fair, my sensitive boy cried and cried. Such a sad and tender moment, but it also gave me such a feeling of joy as a lover of stories that my boy’s heart had been touched and that we were able to share that (because, of course, I was crying too!).

Now that we’re nearly halfway through July, we’re firmly in summer, and I hope you’re all making the most of this time off from school and the hot weather like we’re trying to! (When I write again next month, we’ll be gearing up to go back to school, gah!)

Kate and her husband have seven sons ages 19, 17, 16, 14, 12, 10, and 5. Email her at kmtowne23@gmail.com.

The Process from Contract to Closing

The purchase or sale of their home can be one of the most stressful things that a client undertakes.  That is especially true in today’s market where multiple offers are common and houses may sell quickly above the listing price.  Here is a basic set of questions and answers to help you navigate the process successfully.

Who prepares the contract of sale?

Contracts for sale of real estate are typically prepared by the real estate agent representing the buyer.  If no real estate agent is involved, then the contract would likely be prepared by the attorney for the buyer.

Are there standard forms for real estate contracts?

Yes. There is a standard form for real estate contracts, which sometimes can vary based on what county you are in. 

What are the general terms of the contract?

The contract covers all the terms you would expect to see, including the price, financing, title issues, taxes, inspections, cost prorations, attorney approval, and perhaps most importantly – the timelines.

What are the key timelines?

The key timelines include: when the deal will close, how long the attorneys have to review the contract, when financing will be confirmed, and when the inspections take place.

How long does it take to close the deal?

Typical real estate contracts take 60 to 90 days from initial contract to closing the title.  With the current real estate market, however, many deals are atypical.  In an effort to appeal to a seller in a situation where multiple offers may be made on the same property, buyers today may offer to close in an expedited manner, i.e. in 30 to 45 days.

When do the attorneys review the contract?

The attorneys review the contract after both parties sign it. This is what is known as the attorney review period, which typically lasts three to five days.  During that time, the attorneys have an opportunity to request changes or clarifications to the contract.  Such changes and clarifications are subject to approval, rejection, or modification by the other attorney.  Once the negotiations are concluded, the attorney approval period is considered “closed”.

How does financing play a role?

Most people need to obtain a mortgage to buy their home.  As a result, contracts generally have a mortgage contingency, which states that the buyer must seek and obtain a mortgage within a particular time frame.  Usually, the time frame is approximately 30 days.  It is understood that if mortgage commitment is delayed, that deadline can be extended.

Are all contracts contingent on financing?

No. In fact, in today’s competitive real estate market, more deals are “cash deals”, meaning the buyer is not conditioning their purchase on their obtaining a mortgage.  In those cases, the buyer either has the actual cash in hand or has independent access to financing that they can rely on, i.e. an existing home equity line of credit.

What happens if the buyer cannot get a mortgage?

If the contract is conditioned on obtaining the mortgage, the buyer would be able to get out of the contract if they cannot obtain the financing they need.  This is somewhat uncommon.  In fact, many buyers come to the process armed with a pre-qualification letter from their bank confirming they have the ability to obtain a mortgage up to a certain amount.

Can a purchase be conditioned on the sale of another home?

The purchase contract can be conditioned on the sale of the buyer’s current home.  In that case, the buyer is presumably using the funds from that sale to purchase their new home.  If the seller is willing to agree to such a condition, they may ask that it be lifted if a second buyer approaches them to purchase the home without such a condition in place.

What is involved with a title search?

Title searches are customarily done in advance of the closing.  A title search company will review the current and prior deeds to confirm that the seller owns the property they are selling.  In addition, the title search will address whether there are any liens against the property that must be resolved before closing.  Liens can exist if the seller has any judgments against them, if there is a mortgage against the property, or if there are any unpaid property taxes.

What happens if liens are found?

If liens are found against the property, then they would have to be paid off at closing.  For example, if the seller did not timely pay their property taxes, those back taxes would have to be paid off at closing out of the money the buyer brings to the table.

What type of inspections are typically done?

Inspections are typically done for the structural condition of the home, pests, mold, radon, and water and septic issues.  If any of these inspections reveal a problem, then the buyer would have the opportunity to either get out of the contract or potentially renegotiate the purchase price.  In response to a request to renegotiate, the seller can refuse and take the position that the sale is an “as is” sale and not agree to lower the price.

Are inspections always required?

No.  Given the current competitive real estate market, some buyers are willing to forgo inspections in an effort to make their offer more appealing to the seller.  In that case, the buyer obviously takes the risk that there are defects in the home that will require attention after they buy it.

What happens at closing?

At closing, the buyer pays the seller for the home and receives a deed in exchange.  If mortgage financing is involved, the buyer signs the mortgage, and it is recorded in the County Clerk’s office along with the deed.  The closing date set in the contract is generally an “on or about” date, meaning that the closing will not necessarily occur on that particular date, but generally within a week or so of it.

The real estate closing process can be stressful for buyers and sellers.  It is advisable to obtain the services of an experienced real estate attorney to ensure that your rights are protected, and that the process goes as smoothly as possible.  To those prospective buyers out there – happy house hunting and good luck!

Matthew J. Dorsey, Esq. is a Shareholder with O’Connell and Aronowitz, 1 Court Street, Saratoga Springs, NY. Over his twenty-seven years of practice, he has focused in the areas of elder law, estate planning, and estate administration. Mr. Dorsey can be reached at (518)584-5205, mdorsey@oalaw.com and www.oalaw.com.