In my work with teens one of the biggest complaints I hear is that they feel misunderstood by their parents. One of the quickest ways to shut down a conversation between you and your teen is to talk at them, not to them. The best way to nurture a relationship with your teen is to practice communicating with them in a way that fosters connection, respect and trust.
Ask Specific Questions
One way to get more details from your teenager is to ask more specific questions about what’s going on in their life. It’s easy to ask the general stuff, “How was your day?” “Did you do your homework?” These require one word answers and will not promote a deeper connection.
Instead of the general questions, get more specific. “What was the best part of your day today?” “Who made you smile today?” “Tell me more about the band you love, play me a song.” These more specific questions open the door for you to get to know your teen better and for them to see that you take a genuine interest in their day and interests.
Listen, Listen, Listen!
The quickest way to shut down your teen is to begin to lecture them on their behavior and choices. Before you talk, listen! A great phrase to lead with is, “Help me understand…” “Help me understand why you skipped practice today?” “Help me understand why you have been so upset lately?” This phrase takes the judgement and authority out of your voice and will help to shut down a power struggle.
If you find yourself getting frustrated and wanting to yell, take a deep breath and explain how you are feeling in a way that will help you both gain a deeper understanding for one another’s feelings.
Share
Most teenagers think their parents have never experienced anything close to what their lives are like. Share difficult lessons you learned with your teen and be willing to be vulnerable with them. This will help them see you in a more human light and may help them talk more openly with you.
If they are in a difficult situation and you don’t know what to say, be honest and direct with them. “This is so challenging, I don’t know what to say but I love you and I’m here for you in any way that I can be helpful to you. You are not alone.”
The worst thing you can do is offer advice that comes from a place of fear and uncertainty. By modeling authenticity and honesty you teach your child it’s ok not to know what to say sometimes.
Tell the Truth
If your teen doesn’t get invited to the big birthday party or asked to prom, resist the urge to make up a reason in the hopes of softening the blow.
Responses like “They are just jealous of you,” or “You don’t want them as friends anyway” does nothing to arm your teen with emotional intelligence and resilience.
Talk more deeply about how rejection feels and help them process the uncomfortable feelings. Be willing to sit with them in the pain and don’t try to minimize how they feel.
Get Help!
If you struggle with processing your own feelings it may be even more difficult to help your teen through the challenging moments. Work with a therapist to help arm you with tools to feel more comfortable with emotionally intimate conversations.
Work on healing any parts of your past that may be triggering you emotionally while raising a teenager. Get the help you need to navigate this season of your life so that you can keep your relationship with your teenager healthy, open and strong!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Meghan Fritz is a psychotherapist practicing in State College, PA. For more information email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
